Kennedy's Miracle and Today's Horoscope

"You and your friends are working together to do something cool and you feel absolutely great about the collaboration In fact, you may decide to formalize the arrangement to do more of the same in the future."

From my earliest memories, I recall wanting to save the world. Or the unprotected. The young children. The animals.

But I'm also an artist- born into a family of musicians, dancers, painters, storytellers.....it's deeply in my blood I can't deny it. It's what powers all the cells to thrust through my arteries, veins, organs...it drives me from before sunrise until long after sunset.

So the plan, since I was ohhh about 5 years old, was to become insanely wealthy as a world-famous artist. What kind flopped from actor - figure skater - rock star - poet - novelist - journalist - photographer - painter - dancer - actor.

I accomplished all the career aspirations (ok rock star only happened as far as Victor Isaac and Dean Cameron / Jessie Marion's living rooms...) but not the crazy fame and wealth.

Because the end-goal was to use my fame and money to save the children, the animals, the peace, this has been quite defeating!

So I do what I can to help but it's never anywhere near what I want. And I sit in office's witnessing heated debates on Hannah Montana's hair or font size of footnotes on market research reports. And I wonder how these people can keep a straight face making these so important when there are children starving or being beaten only miles away from us.

I just quit my job- completely insane decision on the surface, yet my gut said "do it- it's the right move"

And I immediately face 3 women who make the world move. Adriane, 6-figure corporate VP who quit to be a dog trainer, who rehabbed my shar-pei from sickly killer dog to show-dog quality couch potato. Helen, the guerilla-tactic animal rescuer, who rescued my shar-pei despite everyone around her saying the dog should be euthanized as a lost-cause. And Parke- the brilliant woman who quit her 6 figure publishing job in Manhattan to spend 2 years developing and fundraising for an animal shelter in South Carolina.

Kennedy is the center of this universe. Helen rescued Kennedy. Adriane rehabbed her. Parke stopped me during our early morning walk to chat about dogs and rescue groups.

And here I sit writing about them. And writing about the animals. And writing about the miracles. And I feel overwhelmed by the force that comes from nowhere....somewhere....everywhere. The force that has brought us together from unimaginable sources. I am not a dog person. The rescue group didn't trust a then-unknown volunteer, Adriane. The rescue group didn't believe in the killer shar pei, making Helen desperate for someone who would take her in and rehab her. Parke just moved here from the east coast and knows nobody. And yet here we are a network of amazing women who host different skills while holding the end-result in unison.

I'm so excited for the future. And learning what's coming around the corner. It will be big. Huge. And beautiful.

A Dream is a Wish your Heart makes...

...when you're feeling blue

Last night I enjoyed my first dream in MONTHS.

I've been really frustrated with my job lately. With my life.

I spent a full year temping at this job vs. leaving for permanent, higher-paying work because it was presented as/with:

• a low-key, low-stress position with plenty of flexibility in hours to allow pursuit of career goals
  
• good raises
  
• nice secluded/private office to focus on creative demands
  
• large monitor-- good equipment and software to get the job done comfortably
• opportunity to work from home
  

This was my reality:

• I spent the first 18months stuck at the office 10-14 hours a day + 8-12 hours a day on Sundays
  
• I quickly dropped my writing classes at UCLA - getting stuck at the office too many times until 10pm
  
• I quickly dropped my music pa shifts at kcrw - getting stuck at the office too many times until 10pm
  
• I neglected my geriatric cats' health, canceling over 20 vet appointments- neither of them saw a vet for 2 years.  They should have been seen every 3 months.  But they both went without med attention for 2 years.
  
• I sat at a reception desk by the front door for over 6 months with no privacy, no phone, no use of my cell phone, no access to personal email, only web access to work email-- getting scolded daily by old ladies for not "doing my job" when I failed to locate their lawyers (I do not work a law firm btw)
  
• I made my cousin and his 6yr old daughter and 7yr old son wait until 10pm to have dinner because packages needed to be reordered in a 40page report. No amount of pushing back and pleading convinced the analyst to let me leave at my quitting time of 6pm that night. And I was only a temp so- well you know- a temp can't say no.
  
• I skipped shabbos service every Friday for 2 months because Starbucks could not wait until Monday and my co-worker snuck out of the office 1/2 hour early....this despite my quitting time being 3:30pm
  
• I cancelled my birthday plans because my co-worker didn't feel like helping a senior director "make it pretty!"
  
• I was 1/2 hour late to my temple Passover seder thanks to an r.a. being too busy shopping for a handbag to give me 10min of her assistance + my co-worker refused to help get the job done "oh, it's HV.  I don't do HV, have fun"
• I worked over 40 hours OVER THE WEEKEND to get reports done, not because they were needed, but because it made life easier for my co-worker.  and I didn't even get a "thank you" email in return.  but he got 5 days of downtime at work.

and now I learn I was "this close to being fired" because I finally asked for something in return. A few days to take care of my dying cats.  Would they be dying if I'd not cancelled 2 years of appointments?

and apparently I've done nothing to earn a decent raise. I spent a full year here as a temp so actually I worked 2 years before seeing any raise. But I'm supposed to be grateful for what I got.

on the other hand I'm supposed to understand my co-worker deserves to work from home EVERY FRIDAY because after all he "only got a xx% raise" (it was more than my raise & he already earns way more than me hourly)

But yes, please do continue to give me stacks of blank pages and say "make it pretty!" "come up with something creative!"

But don't let me have the same software EVERY GRAPHICS PERSON IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE WHEN THEY START HERE.....

my co-worker is given fully drawn-out pages. I'm given blank pages.

and I do it. and the dept wins awards for the reports I created from blank pages.

but I get nothing. no raise. no share. I get "don't think your efforts go unnoticed!".

and yet they go unnoticed. over and over and over again.  I'm told at my review I just barely met expectations.

I give up.

They ask me to drop my writing, my music, my cats, my religion. They ask me to do their jobs for them. They ask me for $60 work while paying me $20 with no bonus because "well if I ever felt like actually making an effort I too could get a bonus"

This is barely meeting expectations?  They give me nothing in return and tell me I'm lucky.

I dreamt last night I worked from home. I wrote. I drew. I studied. I learned. I played amazing music. I grew.  I contributed.

I was revamping my spare bedroom into a full-scale office with high-end computer equipment, scanner, fax, wicked-fast internet. Good lighting. Good seating. I dreamt I earned a living wage so I only have to work 40hours a week to pay rent and groceries. I don't have to pay for gas because, well, I work from home. I don't have to pay for doggie day care because I work from home.

I dreamt I was appreciated and considered worthy.

My heart has barely breathed for over a year now....I'm paralyzed now....I've collapsed...and I just learned there's no air waiting for me because I "don't deserve it".

Well I disagree.

My heart will breathe -- I'm breaking the window, taking in the ocean breeze. Living again.

Dreaming again.