A Dream is a Wish your Heart makes...

...when you're feeling blue

Last night I enjoyed my first dream in MONTHS.

I've been really frustrated with my job lately. With my life.

I spent a full year temping at this job vs. leaving for permanent, higher-paying work because it was presented as/with:

• a low-key, low-stress position with plenty of flexibility in hours to allow pursuit of career goals
  
• good raises
  
• nice secluded/private office to focus on creative demands
  
• large monitor-- good equipment and software to get the job done comfortably
• opportunity to work from home
  

This was my reality:

• I spent the first 18months stuck at the office 10-14 hours a day + 8-12 hours a day on Sundays
  
• I quickly dropped my writing classes at UCLA - getting stuck at the office too many times until 10pm
  
• I quickly dropped my music pa shifts at kcrw - getting stuck at the office too many times until 10pm
  
• I neglected my geriatric cats' health, canceling over 20 vet appointments- neither of them saw a vet for 2 years.  They should have been seen every 3 months.  But they both went without med attention for 2 years.
  
• I sat at a reception desk by the front door for over 6 months with no privacy, no phone, no use of my cell phone, no access to personal email, only web access to work email-- getting scolded daily by old ladies for not "doing my job" when I failed to locate their lawyers (I do not work a law firm btw)
  
• I made my cousin and his 6yr old daughter and 7yr old son wait until 10pm to have dinner because packages needed to be reordered in a 40page report. No amount of pushing back and pleading convinced the analyst to let me leave at my quitting time of 6pm that night. And I was only a temp so- well you know- a temp can't say no.
  
• I skipped shabbos service every Friday for 2 months because Starbucks could not wait until Monday and my co-worker snuck out of the office 1/2 hour early....this despite my quitting time being 3:30pm
  
• I cancelled my birthday plans because my co-worker didn't feel like helping a senior director "make it pretty!"
  
• I was 1/2 hour late to my temple Passover seder thanks to an r.a. being too busy shopping for a handbag to give me 10min of her assistance + my co-worker refused to help get the job done "oh, it's HV.  I don't do HV, have fun"
• I worked over 40 hours OVER THE WEEKEND to get reports done, not because they were needed, but because it made life easier for my co-worker.  and I didn't even get a "thank you" email in return.  but he got 5 days of downtime at work.

and now I learn I was "this close to being fired" because I finally asked for something in return. A few days to take care of my dying cats.  Would they be dying if I'd not cancelled 2 years of appointments?

and apparently I've done nothing to earn a decent raise. I spent a full year here as a temp so actually I worked 2 years before seeing any raise. But I'm supposed to be grateful for what I got.

on the other hand I'm supposed to understand my co-worker deserves to work from home EVERY FRIDAY because after all he "only got a xx% raise" (it was more than my raise & he already earns way more than me hourly)

But yes, please do continue to give me stacks of blank pages and say "make it pretty!" "come up with something creative!"

But don't let me have the same software EVERY GRAPHICS PERSON IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE WHEN THEY START HERE.....

my co-worker is given fully drawn-out pages. I'm given blank pages.

and I do it. and the dept wins awards for the reports I created from blank pages.

but I get nothing. no raise. no share. I get "don't think your efforts go unnoticed!".

and yet they go unnoticed. over and over and over again.  I'm told at my review I just barely met expectations.

I give up.

They ask me to drop my writing, my music, my cats, my religion. They ask me to do their jobs for them. They ask me for $60 work while paying me $20 with no bonus because "well if I ever felt like actually making an effort I too could get a bonus"

This is barely meeting expectations?  They give me nothing in return and tell me I'm lucky.

I dreamt last night I worked from home. I wrote. I drew. I studied. I learned. I played amazing music. I grew.  I contributed.

I was revamping my spare bedroom into a full-scale office with high-end computer equipment, scanner, fax, wicked-fast internet. Good lighting. Good seating. I dreamt I earned a living wage so I only have to work 40hours a week to pay rent and groceries. I don't have to pay for gas because, well, I work from home. I don't have to pay for doggie day care because I work from home.

I dreamt I was appreciated and considered worthy.

My heart has barely breathed for over a year now....I'm paralyzed now....I've collapsed...and I just learned there's no air waiting for me because I "don't deserve it".

Well I disagree.

My heart will breathe -- I'm breaking the window, taking in the ocean breeze. Living again.

Dreaming again.

Chaos and lack of...

It's been a long time since I've written anything more than a quickie email or two-

It's been a busy busy year so far- but mostly my doing-

I adopted a dog in February. After being her foster parent for 2 weeks.

Me - a dog - my first dog ever really. I've lived with dogs before. Cared for one 15 years ago. But after I was deep in the sh*t with this one I realized I SHARED custody of that dog with my live-in boyfriend at the time and he pretty much cared for her. I just handled the medical/nutrition parts since I was working for the vet at the time.

So I got myself a dog 4 days after my 2nd cat died. 4 days. 4 days after spending 10 days not sleeping because I was frantically trying to save him from cancer. I got myself a dog. A rescue. A 2yr old dog who'd been abandoned in her home for however long. Abandoned while pregnant. Downtown. Raised to be a guard dog for some drug dealers. A Shar Pei. If you don't know the significance of her breed well -- this breed was developed to accompany the Chinese army in war. So I've got this dog with war instincts, raised to be a guard dog, for drug dealers, downtown, abandoned while pregnant, moving in my home 4 days after working overtime to save a dying cat.

My childhood, as chaotic and unstable as it was, apparently appeals to me on some base level.

After 4 months, Kennedy (my new dog) and I have established a nice routine. I have the coffee maker brew me some fresh poison to be ready when I get up at 5am. I groggily pour cup after cup to drink while checking email, social sites, and random celebrity gossip.

I could say Huffington Post and BBC but where's the fun in that?

I get cleaned up, dressed, and pour another cup to take with us on our walk. We walk for an hour- to the ocean, up and down the park along the water, then back home. A little bit of fetch with her little teddy bear in my living room. Then breakfast. Then she takes a nap in her crate while I go to work.

We're quite adorable together.

ok- it was insane when she first moved in. insane. she was insane for the first month. Now everything is calm.

So the rescue group who found her with her puppies last August learned one of her puppies's adopted homes is abusive. So they removed her. Since my Kennedy is so incredibly stable and very patient and nuturing with any random puppy we meet on walks and at the parks, I thought she'd be the perfect teacher for her daughter and volunteered to foster.

A 9month old. Shar Pei. chained in the back yard daily for 6 months. Abused by the husband in the home. No discipline from his abused wife. Shar Pei. Abused for 6 months. Not exercised for 6 months.

yep.

So she moved in last Thursday. It's chaos. She growls if you approach her head too fast. She wants to kill any man who comes near. She wants to kill any dog we pass on our walks. But I love her. But it's chaos. Kennedy does keep her in line. It's funny I considered Kennedy to be this little dog (47lbs really isn't that big in the dog world)--- Her daughter moved in and I was reminded that I am the guardian of a tank. She's huge. Not in poundage but in heft. She's got the neck of a pro football player. And don't misbehave young lady- she'll snap you into place toot sweet.

Kennedy, despite her mellow sweet soul, started to lose patience Monday morning. I found myself standing between 2 shar-peis ready to fight commanding them to sit, down. The I grabbed their necks and quickly rolled them on their sides/backs forcing them into submission nose to nose.

There are few things better for empowering a woman than stopping a fight between 2 grown shar-peis with nothing more than her hands and emotional strength.

But its' chaos nonetheless.

So as I drove to work, late, yesterday exhausted by 8am, I thought "how long can I handle this insane little girl?"

We all thought given how cute she is, she'd have applications after her 1st adoption day this weekend and she'd move into a permanent home next weekend. But the abuse has made her a project dog at best. Some cities would just euthanize her if she entered a shelter. So her time with me became "indefinite".

sigh

Yesterday morning I got an email from the rescue group saying someone from Cesar Millan's facility would be coming to my home last night or today to pick her up to live with him for rehab.

heavier sigh

what?!? you can't take her from me!! Her mother and I are doing great work with her! She lets me pet her and she listens to my every command. She slept with my boyfriend over the weekend. She's improved dramatically in only 4 days of being with me! I'm doing great work! you can't take her!

so the chaos is overwhelming and exhausting but when presented with some relief I protest.

Cesar's people have not come so Matt (my boyfriend) took her to his place for a sleepover as this may be his only chance for some alone time with her. He's smitten. He wants to adopt her. So last night I looked forward to some alone time with Kennedy. I thought she'd rejoice.

She moped for an hour - laid in front of the front door for an hour. She still seems a bit sad today.

The crazy little one will return this morning as Matt drops her off on his way to work. The trainer from the rescue group will come down to walk the 2 of them and reinforce training on the little one. I'll come home at 4pm to chaos.

It will be exhausting.

But apparently both Kennedy and I think it's worth it.

Bedazzled! the good one. With Peter Cook. And Dudley Moore. And Raquel Welch.

The Ultimate Reality Show

email last week - "omg heath ledger is dead!"

Exclaimed down the hall at my job "aaaack! Britney's out!"

Used to be - first thing in the morning in offices, people would debate whether or not Rachel and Ross would ever hook up. Or will Dylan and Kelly reunite? Who shot JR? Can you believe what Seinfeld got away with? I believe one mark of a show's success - to network executives - was the amount of time it was discussed and debated at the office between episodes. The Watercooler Effect?

So here it is. This is the latest in the evolution of mass entertainment. First the radio. Then tv. Then the internet. Reality tv. Tv on the internet. Tv FOR the internet. Reality tv for the internet.

Disguised as journalism.

I just spent today flipping from perezhilton, x17, and tmz. The time I used to spend lying on my couch mindlessly watching whatever bad sitcoms the networks had to offer that night. Now replaced by a strong engagement in the material being offered on my computer.

But this is entertainment offered at someone's expense.

Not some 20something looking for his 15min of fame and some cash from surviving a month of endurance tests.

Someone just trying to live her life. A very challenging life. With little to no support. A 20somthing struggling to survive several years of endurance tests. Being chased by camera crews. Every second of her struggle photographed, taped, documented both journalistically and legally.

For our entertainment.

Britney shopped around a reality show 4 years ago. She got 2. One was mocked and cancelled immediately.

The other goes on and on and on and she doesn't get paid a dime for it. In fact she pays. Her parents pay. We the taxpayers pay – for all the police and fleets of ambulances and court hearings and special hospital arrangements.

As the networks scramble to get our money via their advertisers, we instead gladly pour it all to the authorities in exchange for a real life soap opera a supercharged, ultimate gladiator survival celebrity reality show.

So I continue to refresh my browser hoping there's more updates on where Britney is. Did her dad get hold of her? Is he still successfully keeping Sam, the evil guy, away? What about her lover? Is he legit? Is he what we think he is? Or something more sinister? Perhaps he's in an evil plan with Sam the evil guy? Where's her mother? Was she drugged too by the evil guy? The ex. He's turning out to not be what we thought he was! Or is he? Is he, in fact, a good guy misunderstood? Or is he, too, plotting some underhanded selfish agenda? 2 young baby boys lost in the mayhem and drama. A pregnant 16yr old sister! The leading lady – a fragile, kind, bubbly girl who caught fame in childhood. And sex symboldom….in childhood. Talented – yet not talented in the ways that she could earn respect and awards vs. scorn and mockery. Sexy, sweet. Truly grateful to her fans. Lonely, isolated, vulnerable – a new Marilyn Monroe for our generation! And the money! Ooooooo tons of money! Beverly Hills! Mexico! NYC! Malibu! Flesh! Sex! Mental illness! Million dollar Beverly hills estates in gated communities! Malibu beach homes! Padded rooms. Mass car chases all over Hollywood and Beverly Hills and across Mulhulland Drive! A daily rotation of high-end cars, fashion, drugs! Secret meetings in Hollywood legend hotels! Who are the good guys and who are the bad guys? Music industry! Pop stars! Rehab! Blackmail.

I could be describing Dallas or Knots Landing or Dynasty….oooo I'm dating myself aren't I? I've never seen the latest round of night-time soap operas as I stopped bothering to watch tv years ago. Then again reality Tv effectively cancelled our need for night-time soaps no?

Until we got Britney. Poor Britney. The American Tragedy of Britney Spears. And all for our nighttime viewing entertainment.

Did dad get into her home? Will he be living with her now? Did he really install gps tracking systems in all her $200,000 cars? Did she escape again under a black blanket in the back seat of a paparazzi car so her father can't catch her? How long and how far will she run from her family? How many cars can squeeze from a 4 lane street into 1 lane to keep up their pursuit? Did evil Sam break into her home (which a respected news source published is "never locked")? Did he steal compromising video and photos of our tragic heroine? Was he really crushing pills into her food? Cutting off her phone lines? Disabling her cars? Or are these accusations nothing more than a plotting mother with a selfish agenda?

I'm so ashamed of my contribution to her hell yet that doesn't stop me from refreshing my browser just one. More. Time. Before bed.

What will make us stop? When does the commercial break come for Britney? What price does she have to pay to get us to stop?

I'll be online as soon as I wake up tomorrow morning eager for the latest-

Will you?

Prudence

This song always brings sunshine to my heart....ever since I was a kid and WXRT would play it as their final song of their 24-hour Beatles Marathon. Since their days ran 6am-6am, Prudence began just before the sun came up. As the birds began to chirp in the massive trees outside my bedroom window in my mom's home.

I got really really depressed last Monday about Misha. Then got smacked by the flu. Then tonight, still sick and still kinda beat down, I totally broke down in tears regretting all the time missed with Misha. That year with that abusive roommate watching Misha sick every day as a result and not knowing how to escape.

I saw a photo of Kelly Osbourne carring her dog and the caption mentioned it's name is Prudence.

This song immediately popped in my head. My tears evaporated. My heart sang. It still sings.......

Dear prudence, won't you come out to play
Dear prudence, greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear prudence won't you come out and play

Dear prudence open up your eyes
Dear prudence see the sunny skies
The wind is low the birds will sing
That you are part of everything
Dear prudence won't you open up your eyes?

Look around round
Look around round round
Look around

Dear prudence let me see you smile
Dear prudence like a little child
The clouds will be a daisy chain
So let me see you smile again
Dear prudence won't you let me see you smile?

gone baby gone to a premiere!

Dammit, if you're going to invite me to a movie premiere, could you let me know??!?!?

So I stayed home today being sad about my cat and decided I would skip tonight's SAG Nom Comm screening of Ben Affleck's "Gone Baby Gone". I thought it was at 7pm which meant I'd have to be there about 6pm which meant I'd have to leave about 5pm and at 5pm I was in no mood for cleaning up, driving, or movies.

But at 6:30 Matt calls me to say he finished his shoot early and could join me tonight and the screening wasn't until 8pm.

ok, I'm in flannel pjs, a wool rollneck sweater, no makeup, slippers. I'm thinking "hmmm Ben Affleck is doing a q&a after.....aww shoot, if anyone appreciates flannel pjs and wool rollneck sweaters it's Ben so.....eh......c'mon Kara get yourself cleaned up for Matt at least"

so I change into jeans and a fluffy hoodie and Uggs. and slap some makeup on during stop lights....just enough so I won't scare young children.

we're walking from the parking lot, turn the corner at Gayly and find spotlights, cops, CBS, E!, velvet ropes, red carpet. GOOD GRAVY

the woman at the table gives us our ASSIGNED SEATS and we run in (free popcorn and sodies! thanks Ben!) to find Ben giving a speech to a packed, well-dressed, house.

Our seats are 2nd row, center.

yes, about 3 feet directly in front of Ben, in front of all the celebrities and Disney execs and other SAG Nom Comm members.

wheeeeeee

And here's my review:
BEN SERIOUSLY NEEDS TO DROP THE LAME ACTING CAREER AND STICK WITH WRITING AND DIRECTING.

He won his Oscar for writing. THAT's what put him on the map by golly.

why?

HE'S GREAT AT IT!

This is one of the best-written scripts I can recall watching. I've been addicted to movies since kindergarten so it's near impossible to surprise me-- I always see the plot twist a mile away. But I didn't see a couple things here..... Just amazing characters. You can tell he LOVES Boston and the real people who make it so lovable. Pure love is poured into the writing, the direction, the camera.

Casey Affleck is such a wonderful actor....it's kinda sad, tho, to see him morph into his older brother's leading man good looks tho. But he's so good! He used to be the alternative, artsy, indie younger Affleck. Now he's Ben but younger. And a good actor.

This shouldn't win any big film awards. But the screenplay should at least be nominated for something. And I recommend seeing this. Really fine film.
Gone Baby Gone

I really hope Ben sticks with writing and directing. He's really amazing with it. And here's another thing I learned tonight, he's a very down to earth, grateful, nice guy. JLo should be so sad she let her agent agree to stop the fake relationship they arranged for the press......

reality in the ashes

after 2 weeks of working very hard to deny reality I sit here with a bag of black fur and a wood box of ashes....

...and when I clear the tears from my eyes I see my world as it now

without my beautiful little friend, moy kraceevee, OCHEN kraceevee maleenkee drookie....

I sit here holding what's left of his body and desperately wish the rest was still here with me playing and jumping and running and sleeping...




but it's empty



dos vee donya moy maleenkee Misha. Bolshoi cpaceeba. Ya t'lubitsch.