ohh that sinking feeling...

ever have that sick feeling at the bottom of your gut? a strong throbbing at the pit of your stomach? your heart pulled in 6 directions?

anxiety of losing something really important to you?

I've been feeling that a bit this past week, but it's especially strong today as I sit alone in an office in Westwood knowing I'll be here with nothing to do and noone to talk to until 7pm.

I'm not sure why. What am I about to lose? Who am I about to lose?

My cat has been very ill since my return from Chicago 6 weeks ago...but he's 200% better today than he was 2 weeks ago. But he looks depressed and still isn't 100% where he was before my trip.

My grandmother will be 90 22September. I just bought a ticket to fly to Detroit to help her celebrate that weekend. My mother just called to say Nana now needs a nurse 24/7 as she's dizzy and confused.

My mother just spent 5 hours on the freeway trying to get to Detroit from Chicago. It took 5 hours to travel a distance normally travelled in 30 minutes-- thank you crazy midwest storms. My mother is 71 and this is her 6th driving trip to Detroit in a month.

or maybe it's something else........

I wish I was home so Fred could give me some words of wisdom....

get happy

My roommate was feeling sorry for herself the other day-

Lying on her bed, suddenly Fred jumped up to visit her.

Purring, he nudged her, then jumped off and walked out of the room

She looked down on her pillow- he had left the words

"Get Happy"

be inspired

My roommate was playing her guitar....kind of floundering around with chords.

Fred marched around her room, she had phrases cut out of magazines on the floor.

He jumped on her bed, next to her, head-butted her.

Jumped off. Left the room.

She looked down on the bed next to her and she saw he left the words-

"Be Inspired"

nice way to start the day

Just started a weekend gig in Westwood, near UCLA.

new farmers market on Sundays. I have nothing to do today (woo! big money for no work!) so after getting my morning Peet's, I linger over....

Free 1/2 hr yoga sessions for kids- watched a peaceful beautiful blonde woman teach a young girl -- maybe 5? -- how to "Namaste".

I then hung out at the petting zoo. young goats eagerly, clumsily, running from food bowl, to playmate, to more food, to mom.

a young pig sitting in a small tub of water. all alone from the hubbub of social activity in the rest of the area. he finally gets out of the tub only to still be alone...pushing one of the chairs around with his snout.

3 toddlers -- giggling -- grabbing young bunnies from the giant cedar-filled tub in the center. Sitting down and petting the bunnies-- giggling and giving love to the young animals.

The goats wandering around the kids.

Everyone is innocent. Everyone is basic. Everyone is happy.

Nice way to start the day-

just a cat...

have a 17 1/2 year old cat--- his name is Mikhail-- I call him Misha-- This photo was taken about a year ago when I was wrapping my sister's birthday gift and he surprised me by attacking the ribbon and jumping on the table to continue attacking the package.

that was a year ago....

this morning I had to shove his bowl of food to his face while he sat under my roommate's bed.

It's been about a month since I returned from my trip home to find him skinny and very sick. He apparently is no longer anemic and has gained a pound since my return (yay!)

But after a month of progress, he stopped eating a day ago and has now planted himself under my roommmate's bed and I can't get to him right now as it's 5:30am and of course my roommate is trying to sleep-

If you've got any spare time to think about a sweet cat who's not feeling well. And his owner who just wants the best for him, regardless of what that might be (is it time? I don't think so, but am I one of those pet owners who keeps a cat alive well beyond the reasonable time for him? I'm starting to wonder...)

.....oh my gosh! he just walked in, jumped on my bed and is drinking!

whew


maybe I'm overreacting. it's so difficult to guage.....overreacting? underreacting?


he's been with me over 17 years and I'm such a bloody workaholic I've spent most of those years running from one job to another leaving him home......and I hate myself for this. And now I want to stay home with him and I can't. I've pushed my boss's patience enough working from home those 4 days last month and coming in late so many mornings due to Misha not eating or me having trouble with his IV treatment or....or....something anything.

And I sit at work angry that, if he was human, my employer would gush with sympathy urging me to take all the time I need. She would gladly help me arrange to work from home (there really is no reason why I can't work from home given my job is graphic design-ish.). But since he's a cat, and few people respect life forms other than human, people just roll their eyes and snicker that I'm so worried. One person said, "wouldn't you just euthanize him vs. spending all that money? I mean, he's just a cat"




Just a cat.




Just a cat who's been my best friend for 17 years. That's more than any man has every stuck with me.



Second best is my father and he only stuck around 5 years.

So Misha's a pretty big deal in my world.


if you're reading this and you can spare a min or 2 for him- please think some good thoughts for him-

thanks for reading-

Sedaris on Speed

The upswing being that having eliminated the need for both eating and sleeping you have a full 24 hours a day to spread your charms and talent.

the beginning

hello-
this is my blog. finally a real blog. no friendstermyspaceflikrjdategoodreads blog. a real blog.

This will surely make me a billionaire!!! yesssss!

haHA!

or just a place to feed my narcissism.

I just realized I actually kinda dig my blog name. I hate naming things. Always convinced my choice is too boring or stuffy or stupid or vapid or......overthought.

But I like this one.

Of course that's because it's not original.

As far as I know, the sentence/title "Running & Howling with Barrel Fever" has not been used for a public - er - publication. But it's a composition of 3 of my favorite writers..... You might be able to figure it out if you have the same lit tastes. Or even if you just bother to read a book or 2 now n then. or the cliff notes. or a book review.

anyway- hope this is good. oy. my inner charlie kaufmann is already rearing his self-berating head. Where's my drink? ahhhh the writer is born.

Gained a pound!!!

When I returned from my trip home last month, I found my 17 1/2 yr. cat, Misha, wayyy too skinny, disoriented, not eating. Just overall glum.

This after I paid a woman $25/day to feed him and observe him to make sure he was ok and not in need of medical attention. A woman referred to me when I called my vet to schedule hospital boarding. A woman who, looking at me and Misha at the hospital after my return, chuckled "yeah, he wasn't big on the whole eating thing...."

?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?

You're being paid to give medical attention to a 17 1/2 yr cat with moderate kidney deterioration and you think it's CUTE he doesn't want to eat??!?!?!

FOR 10 FUCKING DAYS?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!!!!!

oy

anyway-- I spent a week working at home so I could force feed him every hour and just be with him.

today was his 2nd follow-up check after my emergency trip with him 2 weeks ago.

He's gained a pound!

Doesn't seem like much, but when you're a 17 1/2 yr cat and your weight dropped to a scary 4.15 pounds 3 weeks ago gaining a pound is a crazy amount and truly a miracle.

looks like the davening, red string, scanning, and buddhist charms do work.

or maybe it was the force-feeding, iv fluids, iron injection, daily iron boost injections, and daily steroids combined with a buttload of hugs and kisses and cheering him on when he ate on his own.

He's still a long way from the goofy playful goofball he was when I left for Chicago 5 weeks ago, but, per his usual kick-assiness, he's kicking major ass over here in Santa Monica.

Baryshnikov and Gorbechev have nothing on my maleekee Misha-

wheeeeeeee!