Prudence

This song always brings sunshine to my heart....ever since I was a kid and WXRT would play it as their final song of their 24-hour Beatles Marathon. Since their days ran 6am-6am, Prudence began just before the sun came up. As the birds began to chirp in the massive trees outside my bedroom window in my mom's home.

I got really really depressed last Monday about Misha. Then got smacked by the flu. Then tonight, still sick and still kinda beat down, I totally broke down in tears regretting all the time missed with Misha. That year with that abusive roommate watching Misha sick every day as a result and not knowing how to escape.

I saw a photo of Kelly Osbourne carring her dog and the caption mentioned it's name is Prudence.

This song immediately popped in my head. My tears evaporated. My heart sang. It still sings.......

Dear prudence, won't you come out to play
Dear prudence, greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear prudence won't you come out and play

Dear prudence open up your eyes
Dear prudence see the sunny skies
The wind is low the birds will sing
That you are part of everything
Dear prudence won't you open up your eyes?

Look around round
Look around round round
Look around

Dear prudence let me see you smile
Dear prudence like a little child
The clouds will be a daisy chain
So let me see you smile again
Dear prudence won't you let me see you smile?

gone baby gone to a premiere!

Dammit, if you're going to invite me to a movie premiere, could you let me know??!?!?

So I stayed home today being sad about my cat and decided I would skip tonight's SAG Nom Comm screening of Ben Affleck's "Gone Baby Gone". I thought it was at 7pm which meant I'd have to be there about 6pm which meant I'd have to leave about 5pm and at 5pm I was in no mood for cleaning up, driving, or movies.

But at 6:30 Matt calls me to say he finished his shoot early and could join me tonight and the screening wasn't until 8pm.

ok, I'm in flannel pjs, a wool rollneck sweater, no makeup, slippers. I'm thinking "hmmm Ben Affleck is doing a q&a after.....aww shoot, if anyone appreciates flannel pjs and wool rollneck sweaters it's Ben so.....eh......c'mon Kara get yourself cleaned up for Matt at least"

so I change into jeans and a fluffy hoodie and Uggs. and slap some makeup on during stop lights....just enough so I won't scare young children.

we're walking from the parking lot, turn the corner at Gayly and find spotlights, cops, CBS, E!, velvet ropes, red carpet. GOOD GRAVY

the woman at the table gives us our ASSIGNED SEATS and we run in (free popcorn and sodies! thanks Ben!) to find Ben giving a speech to a packed, well-dressed, house.

Our seats are 2nd row, center.

yes, about 3 feet directly in front of Ben, in front of all the celebrities and Disney execs and other SAG Nom Comm members.

wheeeeeee

And here's my review:
BEN SERIOUSLY NEEDS TO DROP THE LAME ACTING CAREER AND STICK WITH WRITING AND DIRECTING.

He won his Oscar for writing. THAT's what put him on the map by golly.

why?

HE'S GREAT AT IT!

This is one of the best-written scripts I can recall watching. I've been addicted to movies since kindergarten so it's near impossible to surprise me-- I always see the plot twist a mile away. But I didn't see a couple things here..... Just amazing characters. You can tell he LOVES Boston and the real people who make it so lovable. Pure love is poured into the writing, the direction, the camera.

Casey Affleck is such a wonderful actor....it's kinda sad, tho, to see him morph into his older brother's leading man good looks tho. But he's so good! He used to be the alternative, artsy, indie younger Affleck. Now he's Ben but younger. And a good actor.

This shouldn't win any big film awards. But the screenplay should at least be nominated for something. And I recommend seeing this. Really fine film.
Gone Baby Gone

I really hope Ben sticks with writing and directing. He's really amazing with it. And here's another thing I learned tonight, he's a very down to earth, grateful, nice guy. JLo should be so sad she let her agent agree to stop the fake relationship they arranged for the press......

reality in the ashes

after 2 weeks of working very hard to deny reality I sit here with a bag of black fur and a wood box of ashes....

...and when I clear the tears from my eyes I see my world as it now

without my beautiful little friend, moy kraceevee, OCHEN kraceevee maleenkee drookie....

I sit here holding what's left of his body and desperately wish the rest was still here with me playing and jumping and running and sleeping...




but it's empty



dos vee donya moy maleenkee Misha. Bolshoi cpaceeba. Ya t'lubitsch.

seeing. here. now.

When Misha left, I spent a lot of time trying to find the answer. Trying to heal the pain. Trying to quelch the guilt.

I come from a family of thinkers and feelers. Intellectual sorts who spend more time thinking than being.
My childhood memories of my sister do not consist of playing or learning with her. They consist of watching her think.
Meditating and thinking.
Yoga and thinking.
smoking and thinking.

My memories of my Dad include maybe 3 hugs, some rages, but mostly thinking.

Just staring and thinking.

With cute little me right there available to share time and enjoy life.

But I did not exist in their world.

I catch myself doing it now. Doing it since I was a child. I think. I think of all the mistakes. I obsess over the what-ifs.
Hours and hours, sometimes days pass and I can't tell you what anyone else was doing. All I can share is what was in my head.
I've driven long distances with no memory of how I got home, but I can tell you what I thought about.

So these grief sites for pet owners all describe pets as our personal "angels". That when they pass, they stay with us,
guiding us
protecting us

Spirit guides

The technician who took such great care of Misha in his final days told me pets are here to teach us and guide us.
Help us in life, then when they feel we're ok on our own, they're so worn out from helping us, they leave.

As I spend hours, days crying and thinking and obsessing about all the time I missed with Misha, I realized something.

I have no idea what's happening NOW.

when he was alive, I had all this time, SEVENTEEN YEARS, to be with him, play with him, love him.

Instead I laid on the couch, sat in my chair, laid in bed, stood in the corner and thought
and thought
and obsessed

about everything I didn't have. or had and didn't want.

cried about being so lonely

and every minute of every day I had a dear sweet friend who loved me sitting in the same room with me

and I never saw him

and now I wish he was here. So I sit, and stand, and cry, and obsess about everything I regret for him and how much I miss him

and I have dear Fred sitting on the bed and I don't see him.

so now I must see him. Live now. Stop thinking. Start looking. At the beauty I have right in front of me.

Thank you Misha- you gave me the greatest gift anyone can give-

bolshoi cpaceeba moy maleenkee kraceevee drookee, ya t-lubitsch

I've got 16 layers of chanel makeup on...

for allison........

Being poor in LA is a major drag. Didn't I just read something somewhere about how there is no middle-class in LA but somehow it works for the city? Either you're a millionaire or you're starving while working 60 hours a week. I, unfortunately, am on the high-end of the latter.

But there's always Bloomingdales

they have all these groovy parties and send special invites to you if you have an account with them.

Today was a benefit party. I'm done with my job by 3:30pm, so I walked over to the store to enjoy their late-afternoon events.

I got a free manicure while sipping champagne delivered to me on a silver tray and munching on gourmet treats (also delivered to me). Then I got a back/neck massage, then a hand massage (we did the back/neck first to let the manicure set, natch). Plus a stack of 20% off coupons for a killer spa. Plus the contact info of the woman who runs the same spa in Chicago so I can treat my mother when I'm home. Then a champagne cocktail was delivered to me - The Chanel. I had chatted briefly with the Kama Sutra woman before the manicure, so during my hand massage, she came over to me and told me to come back for a free gift (that's my boyfriend's favorite part of this story). Then I nibbled some more.

Did I mention the fat-free ice-cream sandwich when I stopped by during my lunch break?

Back to the evening cause that was more delecadent.......

Then I got a cappucino to kill the buzz from The Chanel

But there was a woman with me who told me the blue martinis were yummy

so I asked the drink guy if I could taste a little taste of the blue martini.

He was making more champagne cocktails for some woman, so rather than make a sampler of the martini, he surprised me by pushing a glass to me and saying "this is YOUR drink.....that Blonde Parisian you mentioned earlier?"

yum

ok, so I walk to the makeup department and get a facial. Then Blu at Jo Malone teaches me how to layer my fragrances. He gives me a wee bottle of the nectarine fragrance thinking I'm a fruity-flowery girl. But during his tutorial he's shocked to hear me say "wow I LOVE that one!" when he handed me a paper sliver sprayed with Pomegranate Noir. Blu's delighted to hear me say it smells like Christmas becuase one of his co-workers started wearing the scent and has been upset that Blu chides him for smelling like holiday potpourri. So he gives me a wee sample bottle of the Pomegranate Noir. Did I mention I successfully smelled the middle note of clove? If I were to go into frangrance layering as a new career, do I need to change my name to a colour and speak in a British accent?

Post manicure, massage, sex-toy, cappucino, champagne, facial - I opt for a makeover to prep me for my weekly meeting with Alison and Jana and, later my shift here at the station.

Chanel seems fitting for my upcoming Beverly Hills dinner--

There is, of course, 3 layers of special hydrating gels, primers, etc. which must be liberally applied before any makeup action begins.

My GOD who wears this much foundation?!?!? Oh wait, I see. The woman doing my face and the other artist across the way. The blush turns out very red on my cheeks. The solution, it seems, is to put more foundation on to cover it up. The second blush is too pink. More foundation natch. Ah! a winner! A peachy colour, then the winter-limited-edition-soon-to-be-sold-out-so-I-better-buy-it-tonight frosty pink dusted on top.

I learned as much as I love the colour Vamp, the lipstick is frighteningly pink on my lips. Second hue she tries is a scary peach. Shit! I was supposed to be at Alison's 10 minutes ago! I give up and put a light gloss on. yay me!

My skin can't breathe, but I look amazing. And I'm walking out the store with more than $1000 worth of crap brushed, smudged, layered, lined on my face.

I raced from Century City to Beverly Hills to meet the ladies for some guilty pleasures.

They exclaim "wow! yuuuuuuuuuuuuu look beauuuuutiful!"

"thanks, I've got 16 layers of Chanel makeup on"

as I excuse myself to come here, Alison, in all seriousness orders me to write something titled "I've got 16 layers of Chanel makeup on" during my radio shift.

Raul is shocked at how beautiful I look. He's used to seeing me show up in pjs and ponytails and cheap, worn-out makeup.

He's thanking me on air for my assistance and telling his listeners how gorgeous I look all smothered in Chanel.

My income for this job is $0.

If I scraped this off and put it in a bottle, I could pay my rent + car insurance with it-

Across the Universe

Just got back from a screening of Across the Universe, a new musical film directed by the otherwise incredibly talent Julie Taymor.

Now let me start this with -- I'm a HUGE Beatles fan. HUGE. Raised on them. My ear glued to our stereo speakers so I could hear the slightest nuance in every guitar string and every breath of every song. So I cringe each time I learn somone has done a cover of their song or, worse yet, a movie based on all their music. In order for me not to be repulsed, the cover MUST be brilliant. and most of the time it is not.

The film started out reeeeeeaally great- Jim Sturgess staring at us while sitting alone on a beach singing one of my faves, Girl. The song is already built with creepy nuance and his delivery added more dark shadow in it's focused simplicity.

I was really excited!

then it came.

the rest.

now keep in mind I've recently decided I'm not a big fan of Broadway musicals. Not any more. In addition to my sisters Beatles and Simon/Garfunkel LPs, I grew up on my mom's West End and Broadway soundtracks and, well, listen to the original West End production of Cabaret vs. this year's Tony Award winner and you'll hear the difference. Today's Broadway shows seem geared to the white-washed, upper-middle class middle American who can't stomach more than Wonder Bread.

So if you like Wonder Bread, you'll most likely enjoy this film.

I do not like Wonder Bread. Never did. Always a sprouted whole grain or pumpernickel girl...

And both John and Paul had such dark sides to them, it would seem to be relatively easy to make this a dark, surreal trippy trip through their songs, NYC, and Liverpool. What made the Beatles brilliant and immortal was their fearless risk. Ms. Taymor’s greatest betrayal was her inability to take risk in this film.

Instead we got Wonder Bread in Iowa.

Some good points were:
Opening scene
Joe Cocker - but only when he's homeless
Bono's 10 minutes (his improved moments were brilliant) - and the magic bus
Eddie Izzard improvising
I dug Helter Skelter, Matt did not
Daniel Ezralow's choreography --- I was DYING to work with him when I was a dancer, alas I never got the chance
casting 2 actors who looked just like Paul and Linda circa 1970 (when camera was far) -- I was looking for a Jane Asher or Yoko Ono reference, but I guess that was too much for a mainstream stomach

Most obvious is Julie Taymor's inability to work with actors in dialogue. She's pretty ok with the song and dance numbers. But once everyone stops singing and dancing, she fumbles and fouls.

What made the evening worse was the q&a that followed. I normally dont' stay if I hate the film but....c'mon! Julie Taymor!!! I was going to blow off the chance to hear Julie Taymor talk about her work?! However, she MODERATED the q&a so what followed was 1/2 hour? 45 min? of masterbation by her and her young cast.

Here's a review that best summ's up my experience with this film-
Something that would have been a bad idea for an Off-Broadway concept show has inexplicably been turned into a bloated two hour and eleven minute movie musical. - Pete Hammond, Maxim
Full Review by Pete Hammond

Best moment:
"They ALL really liked it!" - Julie Taymor referring to "The Beatles" response after seeing the film
"ALL? All TWO of them??" - Matt's disgusted response

Time

One of the truly tragic realities of getting older is….

You have regret and the deep sadness that accompanies all that you missed or dismissed. The hunches and instincts that told you quite clearly what to do, where to go to protect you and your loved ones…..and how many you dismissed only to learn they were real.

All the love and good intentions in the world can’t protect you from the life-changing decisions made from the brain vs. the spirit.

Dos Vee Donya Misha

My dearest, sweetest, coolest friend of my life, my little Misha, passed away tonight-

At least now he's climbing trees, running through massive fields, chasing rabbits, squirrels, birds.......

I love you Misha-
desperately-

I miss you so much-

Nocturne 1 in B Flat Minor Op. 9 - Chopin

I dunno who's favorite this was--

the head ballet mistress for Hubbard Street

or the pianist

But every day, our first exercise -- usually a mellow plier series -- would be accompanied by this song.

And every time I hear it, I'm immediately calmed. Brought back to that cold studio. Standing at the bar between 2 ballerinas....or maybe that 35 year old dancer who's all crickety and tired but every move she makes is stunning thanks to her age and experience.... Me drowning in layers of worn out knit hoping to keep my 98lb. body warm enough in the frigid studio until either the heater kicks in or our body heat warms up the space. (the body heat usually won)

Watching Birute's long, graceful, kirov-trained arms swim through the air guiding us through the series....her calm, wabbling voice gently waking us up... The fog on the windows blurring the train and all the cookie-cutter corporate drones miserably departing on the platform....

That was as dream life! Funny how all the stress and pressure I put on myself to be superhuman marred what is definitely the high point of my life..... I watch The Company and cry and cry and cry remembering those wonderful frigid days on 19th/Halsted and Wabash/Adams. Harriet's thick whiny NYC voice scolding us for not being more demanding of our bodies. Lou grabbing his golden retriever, Buddy, from the doorway to the studio before he could get in and be trampled by our grand sodebasques (sp?!)- Joel and his regal majesty... The Cabrini Green kids in their low-slung pants and high-top Jordans showing us tutu-butts how hip-hop is REALLY executed -- compete with sass, rebellion, and fire one can only develop growing up in one of the most dangerous blocks in the county.

sigh....

thank you Birute and Warren for giving me something to bring this all back-

Thank you Chopin.

ohh that sinking feeling...

ever have that sick feeling at the bottom of your gut? a strong throbbing at the pit of your stomach? your heart pulled in 6 directions?

anxiety of losing something really important to you?

I've been feeling that a bit this past week, but it's especially strong today as I sit alone in an office in Westwood knowing I'll be here with nothing to do and noone to talk to until 7pm.

I'm not sure why. What am I about to lose? Who am I about to lose?

My cat has been very ill since my return from Chicago 6 weeks ago...but he's 200% better today than he was 2 weeks ago. But he looks depressed and still isn't 100% where he was before my trip.

My grandmother will be 90 22September. I just bought a ticket to fly to Detroit to help her celebrate that weekend. My mother just called to say Nana now needs a nurse 24/7 as she's dizzy and confused.

My mother just spent 5 hours on the freeway trying to get to Detroit from Chicago. It took 5 hours to travel a distance normally travelled in 30 minutes-- thank you crazy midwest storms. My mother is 71 and this is her 6th driving trip to Detroit in a month.

or maybe it's something else........

I wish I was home so Fred could give me some words of wisdom....

get happy

My roommate was feeling sorry for herself the other day-

Lying on her bed, suddenly Fred jumped up to visit her.

Purring, he nudged her, then jumped off and walked out of the room

She looked down on her pillow- he had left the words

"Get Happy"

be inspired

My roommate was playing her guitar....kind of floundering around with chords.

Fred marched around her room, she had phrases cut out of magazines on the floor.

He jumped on her bed, next to her, head-butted her.

Jumped off. Left the room.

She looked down on the bed next to her and she saw he left the words-

"Be Inspired"

nice way to start the day

Just started a weekend gig in Westwood, near UCLA.

new farmers market on Sundays. I have nothing to do today (woo! big money for no work!) so after getting my morning Peet's, I linger over....

Free 1/2 hr yoga sessions for kids- watched a peaceful beautiful blonde woman teach a young girl -- maybe 5? -- how to "Namaste".

I then hung out at the petting zoo. young goats eagerly, clumsily, running from food bowl, to playmate, to more food, to mom.

a young pig sitting in a small tub of water. all alone from the hubbub of social activity in the rest of the area. he finally gets out of the tub only to still be alone...pushing one of the chairs around with his snout.

3 toddlers -- giggling -- grabbing young bunnies from the giant cedar-filled tub in the center. Sitting down and petting the bunnies-- giggling and giving love to the young animals.

The goats wandering around the kids.

Everyone is innocent. Everyone is basic. Everyone is happy.

Nice way to start the day-

just a cat...

have a 17 1/2 year old cat--- his name is Mikhail-- I call him Misha-- This photo was taken about a year ago when I was wrapping my sister's birthday gift and he surprised me by attacking the ribbon and jumping on the table to continue attacking the package.

that was a year ago....

this morning I had to shove his bowl of food to his face while he sat under my roommate's bed.

It's been about a month since I returned from my trip home to find him skinny and very sick. He apparently is no longer anemic and has gained a pound since my return (yay!)

But after a month of progress, he stopped eating a day ago and has now planted himself under my roommmate's bed and I can't get to him right now as it's 5:30am and of course my roommate is trying to sleep-

If you've got any spare time to think about a sweet cat who's not feeling well. And his owner who just wants the best for him, regardless of what that might be (is it time? I don't think so, but am I one of those pet owners who keeps a cat alive well beyond the reasonable time for him? I'm starting to wonder...)

.....oh my gosh! he just walked in, jumped on my bed and is drinking!

whew


maybe I'm overreacting. it's so difficult to guage.....overreacting? underreacting?


he's been with me over 17 years and I'm such a bloody workaholic I've spent most of those years running from one job to another leaving him home......and I hate myself for this. And now I want to stay home with him and I can't. I've pushed my boss's patience enough working from home those 4 days last month and coming in late so many mornings due to Misha not eating or me having trouble with his IV treatment or....or....something anything.

And I sit at work angry that, if he was human, my employer would gush with sympathy urging me to take all the time I need. She would gladly help me arrange to work from home (there really is no reason why I can't work from home given my job is graphic design-ish.). But since he's a cat, and few people respect life forms other than human, people just roll their eyes and snicker that I'm so worried. One person said, "wouldn't you just euthanize him vs. spending all that money? I mean, he's just a cat"




Just a cat.




Just a cat who's been my best friend for 17 years. That's more than any man has every stuck with me.



Second best is my father and he only stuck around 5 years.

So Misha's a pretty big deal in my world.


if you're reading this and you can spare a min or 2 for him- please think some good thoughts for him-

thanks for reading-

Sedaris on Speed

The upswing being that having eliminated the need for both eating and sleeping you have a full 24 hours a day to spread your charms and talent.

the beginning

hello-
this is my blog. finally a real blog. no friendstermyspaceflikrjdategoodreads blog. a real blog.

This will surely make me a billionaire!!! yesssss!

haHA!

or just a place to feed my narcissism.

I just realized I actually kinda dig my blog name. I hate naming things. Always convinced my choice is too boring or stuffy or stupid or vapid or......overthought.

But I like this one.

Of course that's because it's not original.

As far as I know, the sentence/title "Running & Howling with Barrel Fever" has not been used for a public - er - publication. But it's a composition of 3 of my favorite writers..... You might be able to figure it out if you have the same lit tastes. Or even if you just bother to read a book or 2 now n then. or the cliff notes. or a book review.

anyway- hope this is good. oy. my inner charlie kaufmann is already rearing his self-berating head. Where's my drink? ahhhh the writer is born.

Gained a pound!!!

When I returned from my trip home last month, I found my 17 1/2 yr. cat, Misha, wayyy too skinny, disoriented, not eating. Just overall glum.

This after I paid a woman $25/day to feed him and observe him to make sure he was ok and not in need of medical attention. A woman referred to me when I called my vet to schedule hospital boarding. A woman who, looking at me and Misha at the hospital after my return, chuckled "yeah, he wasn't big on the whole eating thing...."

?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?

You're being paid to give medical attention to a 17 1/2 yr cat with moderate kidney deterioration and you think it's CUTE he doesn't want to eat??!?!?!

FOR 10 FUCKING DAYS?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!!!!!

oy

anyway-- I spent a week working at home so I could force feed him every hour and just be with him.

today was his 2nd follow-up check after my emergency trip with him 2 weeks ago.

He's gained a pound!

Doesn't seem like much, but when you're a 17 1/2 yr cat and your weight dropped to a scary 4.15 pounds 3 weeks ago gaining a pound is a crazy amount and truly a miracle.

looks like the davening, red string, scanning, and buddhist charms do work.

or maybe it was the force-feeding, iv fluids, iron injection, daily iron boost injections, and daily steroids combined with a buttload of hugs and kisses and cheering him on when he ate on his own.

He's still a long way from the goofy playful goofball he was when I left for Chicago 5 weeks ago, but, per his usual kick-assiness, he's kicking major ass over here in Santa Monica.

Baryshnikov and Gorbechev have nothing on my maleekee Misha-

wheeeeeeee!

Chis Hedges and LA Times Festival of Books

"This presupposes there's something GOOD about the mainstream"

Beginning of an anwer to panel question....

I've never heard of Mr. Hedges until today when I attended "The Politics of Faith" panel at the Festival of Books today. Amazing man, I have to own and read all his books in addition to reading all his essays on TruthDig and The Nation....

If you don't know about him either, here's an easy place to start-
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Hedges

then another-
www.chrishedges.org

Then go to Amazon.com and buy his latest book -

American Fascists: The Christian Right and the War on America

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Fascists:_The_Christian_Right_and_the_War_on_America

http://www.amazon.com/American-Fascists-Christian-Right-America/dp/0743284437/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-4840182-8858238?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1177834402&sr=8-1

do me a favour and let me know what you think

what I learned today...

I was lucky enough to be invited as a VIP guest to Donald Trump's Wealth *cough* live 8-hour infomercial *cough* Summit.

I learned some things today-

1. Only poor people are willing to pay $6000 for a book that will teach them how to protect themselves from losing their money stupidly.

2. Ivanka Trump sure loves herself. and her daddy.

3. You can get wicked strong free unlimited wi-fi at the bar/lobby of the Hyatt Century Plaza Hotel.

4. If you sit in said bar surfing the net long enough, the cabana boy will bring you a bowl of really yummy wasabi covered peanut butter thingies...yum...

5. They shoot movies at the Hyatt Century Plaza Hotel.

6. CAA is quite ominous looking from the bar/lobby of the Hyatt Century Plaza Hotel.

7. CAA agents hang out at the bar/lobby of the Hyatt Century Plaza Hotel. (or at least expensively dressed-all-in-black, clenching cell phones and blackberries, ridiculously coiffed with too much product snotty people - why would I assume they're CAA agents.....)

8. If your job is making your head all dizzy, it's ok to email in sick on what you expect to be an insanely busy day.....they will survive without you and your brain will slowly unmush...