seeing. here. now.

When Misha left, I spent a lot of time trying to find the answer. Trying to heal the pain. Trying to quelch the guilt.

I come from a family of thinkers and feelers. Intellectual sorts who spend more time thinking than being.
My childhood memories of my sister do not consist of playing or learning with her. They consist of watching her think.
Meditating and thinking.
Yoga and thinking.
smoking and thinking.

My memories of my Dad include maybe 3 hugs, some rages, but mostly thinking.

Just staring and thinking.

With cute little me right there available to share time and enjoy life.

But I did not exist in their world.

I catch myself doing it now. Doing it since I was a child. I think. I think of all the mistakes. I obsess over the what-ifs.
Hours and hours, sometimes days pass and I can't tell you what anyone else was doing. All I can share is what was in my head.
I've driven long distances with no memory of how I got home, but I can tell you what I thought about.

So these grief sites for pet owners all describe pets as our personal "angels". That when they pass, they stay with us,
guiding us
protecting us

Spirit guides

The technician who took such great care of Misha in his final days told me pets are here to teach us and guide us.
Help us in life, then when they feel we're ok on our own, they're so worn out from helping us, they leave.

As I spend hours, days crying and thinking and obsessing about all the time I missed with Misha, I realized something.

I have no idea what's happening NOW.

when he was alive, I had all this time, SEVENTEEN YEARS, to be with him, play with him, love him.

Instead I laid on the couch, sat in my chair, laid in bed, stood in the corner and thought
and thought
and obsessed

about everything I didn't have. or had and didn't want.

cried about being so lonely

and every minute of every day I had a dear sweet friend who loved me sitting in the same room with me

and I never saw him

and now I wish he was here. So I sit, and stand, and cry, and obsess about everything I regret for him and how much I miss him

and I have dear Fred sitting on the bed and I don't see him.

so now I must see him. Live now. Stop thinking. Start looking. At the beauty I have right in front of me.

Thank you Misha- you gave me the greatest gift anyone can give-

bolshoi cpaceeba moy maleenkee kraceevee drookee, ya t-lubitsch