so I went back to Chicago in December thanks to long-term unemployment and California keeping my unemployment benefits from me. The time home was supposed to be just for 6 weeks. Just to have someone else pay my rent for that time so I could live rent-free and hopefully resolve my issues with the state of California.
the trip home turned into 3 1/2 months thanks to needing a 2nd appeal with unemployment and the only subletter I could find needing my place through the end of March.
when I came back home (Santa Monica) 1April, my appeal was still up in the air, I was flat broke, and very depressed that my only option was to spend the month packing and saying goodbye to a town in which I've lived, worked, played, loved, lost for 10 years.
less than 1 month to say goodbye after 10 years.
Now I'm a bit of a fighter, so I was optimistic some miracle would happen that would allow me to stay here at least another 6 months.
But as of 10 days ago no miracle occurred. So I helped my mother and sister buy 2 one-way tickets to California with the plan we drive my stuff back to Chicago the final week of April.
I spent the next 36hours on my couch depressed, crying, living on a diet of coffee and hoho's.
then 9 days ago I had a nightmare about the near-future of southern california and that made me feel ok about leaving. In fact, rather excited about getting out before the apocalypse!
So I made my plan to leave at the end of the month. Made a list of things I need to do here before saying goodbye, feasibly, forever.
But 4 days ago I got the answer to my 2nd appeal with California unemployment and- holy crap there's the miracle I prayed for my 1st 2 weeks back in Santa Monica --- The judges reversed all 3 of the accusations against me! And even declared the money taken from me last fall should be returned!! Without sitting down to do the calculations, I can safely estimate I'll receive a check from the state for over $10,000.
This is about 5 months of rent - IF I don't move or re-negotiate my rent with my landlord. And, of course, I'll now receive checks from the state equalling my monthly rent until I can finally find a job.
For the 1st time in over 10 years I finally FINALLY had a prayer answered. But what about the nightmare?
So I get that miracle which allows me to stay here. And my home is FINALLY a home I enjoy. Ok, it could use a new couch. Some bookcases. New carpeting and paint. Some artwork. But overall? My home is a cozy, peaceful escape from the world. I love my home for the 1st time in 10 years. More so than the home I loved in Chicago 10 years ago! I have a full bedroom. An office. A dining table. A full kitchen. Windows windows everywhere! And a beautiful HUGE patio on which I can sit, read, sleep, draw -- night and day. Listening to the birds chirp. Sometimes I can even hear the ocean. Palm trees and fir trees against blue skies. My dog happily naps on her blanket out here with me.
I walk about my neighborhood with Kennedy and I see the For Rent signs. And the empty spaces that used to be private boutiques. and the For Sale signs. The rental ads are full of people begging strangers to take over their mortgage payments before they lose their homes. The streets aren't as full of pedestrians and shoppers anymore.
In Chicago, I could feel a strong life-force pulsing through the streets. Healthy, oxygen-charged blood forcing energy throughout the city.
Santa Monica is quiet. and still. scared.
So I continue with my plan to leave. Family arrives in 5 days for a brief visit before we pack up and drive out in a week. I sit here right now on my patio crying for what I'm leaving. For a life I've dreamed of for over 10 years - finally achieved - now packing up and leaving?
So I'm trying to say goodbye. I'm trying to do the things here I know I will most miss when back in Chicago. But I'm foregoing a lot because I love my home. FINALLY love my home so much I don't want to leave it! I know there is potentially something so much better waiting in the future. Anytime I've been forced to change my life, a much better one was waiting for me. But am I being forced to move now? I got my money. I have that life I fantasized about for 10years. The one I cried for. I've got it!
Kennedy is rolling and stretching in the sunbeams on our patio. I'm enjoying the leaves on my new chocolatemint plant I bought at the farmers' market Wednesday. The chirping birds. The fresh ocean air.
But we have a walk to the ocean waiting for us... one of our final ocean strolls. So I suppose I need to say goodbye
for now...
