Returning Home

BY RABBI DAVID WOLPE
In leaving there is discovery: Only when he wanders is Jacob granted a vision. Moses must go to Midian to find God. The Israelites throughout history have only in exile grasped the spiritual contours of home.
All of us raise children in the hope that they will treasure the values we have taught them at home. But we also realize that those values will never be fully realized until our children go off on their own. You cannot know your home if your home is all you know. Out in the world, amid the jostling of other values, ideas and rich possibilities, is the potential to appreciate what one has already learned.
Abraham was told that his descendants would need to one day leave Israel, endure hardship and return to savor its beauty. This is the reverse wisdom of Thomas Wolfe's admonition that you cannot go home again. At times that is true; yet equally if paradoxically, you cannot truly understand home until you have left and go home again.
As Eliot wrote in "Little Gidding," the last of his four quartets:
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

on the opposite side of the universe...

...my very poor low-wage vietnamese nail salon goddess insisted I come in for a free mani/pedi.

We crossed paths on the sidewalk last night, we smiled and said "hello!!!" to each other. She said "you not come for long time"

I said "I not work for long time" followed by a sad-pouty face.

To prove myself, I showed my gnarly hands and said "see! Look how disgusting my hands are - so sad!"

She replied "You come in, I do your nails. Free. You come in!"

I cried-

I guess it does pay to be kind and tip well.

Let them eat cake!

ok I used to write funny tidbits I observed, but this past year my writing has been decidedly depressing and self-pitying...

so...

let's change it up-- anger. Uncontrolled, deep rage.

As I read about everyone losing their jobs, and taxpayers paying billions for bail-outs of companies badly run by...clearly MORONS...I want to stand up and SCREEEEEAM as loud as I can. so loud they can hear me over the bloody muslim gunfire in New Delhi and Mumbai.

What--- WHAT is happening with the people, the men, who have made bad decision after bad decision after bad decision?!?! Why do THEY keep their million dollar jobs while the just-getting-by-despite-doing-a-great-jobs all become jobless?!?!

A producer at kcrw just lost her job due to budget cuts due to the recession. After a bloody year of pain and pundits wondering "hmm I wonder if we'll sink into a recession" they FINALLY formally decide we're in one. and have BEEN IN ONE SINCE LAST YEAR. NO F*CKING KIDDING!!! and the stocks....LOL.. the stocks- they plummet after this announcement? Was this really truly news to these people?!

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?~!?~?~ oh yeah, gazillionaires who most likely were raised by bazillionaires and thus have NO IDEA WHAT THE REAL WORLD is.

Back to the jobless producer-- she said "funny, all of those who successfully built lauded and profitable projects lose their jobs. But the top executives who have been bungling everything for years, they still have their million dollar jobs?!"

exactly

WHEN DO WE GET TO SEE HEADS ROLL?!

I haven't had heat in 4 months. I lost the job I was supposed to start in August becuase they had a hiring freeze. Because CA is bankrupt and it's unemployment staff woefully overwhelmed, I was subjected to a 20min verbally abusive tirade that was supposed to be an interview. Followed by a letter accusing me of lying about my conditions of unemployment and telling me I get NO UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS + I have to pay a $500 PENALTY for lying. I filed an appeal, natch. But until I have my court date, the state will take out the penalty from my bank account with no warning. And hold on to the checks I'm supposed to receive. And because the state of California is in such a mess the earliest court date I can expect is sometime in January. I appealed in October. I've not received a check from the state since early September. Oh my f*cking G*d.

I've been paying into unemployment for 25 years! I have not filed for unemployment before because, this is a strange concept, I LIVE FRUGALLY AND SAVE for days I may be jobless!! Well the well has run dry George- and where are you?! Typically, your hiding at the time your country needs you the most. Thank G*D we elected a man who's actually willing to WORK for a living.

I'm about to sublet my apartment and move in with family because despite my intelligence, education, and job experience, I can't pay rent on a moderate apartment. My cousin may have to move in with HIS family -- him, his wife, and their 2 kids.

And I'm supposed to be impressed because the CEO of Ford will work for a dollar. oh boohoo what a hero- That dip in pay certainly will hurt someone who has MILLIONS IN SAVINGS AND ASSETS.

One reason I left my job was my pure and deep disgust for the upper management of the company. The President is a moron who's filled with self-adoration. He announced the company would not be giving bonuses to it's lowest-status (i.e. most overworked and poorest) staff. We were also told raises could not be very good this year due to budget constraints. But, after seeing the jaguar one of his department presidents drives, he announced "ooo! I want to buy that for my teenaged daughter!"

I'm done DONE with the stupid, selfish, clueless upper management in this country. When do we hold the revolt? When do we storm the bastille? Why are we not storming the white house each time a group of overpaid morons begs for handouts in their $3000 suit and $1000 shoes. Delivered in private jets. Driven in limousines. Why are we not rocking them over like we do taxi cabs after winning sports championships? Why not raid and loot the upper offices of Enron, Haliburton, Fannie Mae with the same anger and vigor given to poor local merchants in a poor town after a major hurricane and flood?

If the president of my last employer lived in revolutionary France, his name would be Marie Antoinette. Let them eat cake!

Nostalgia and that pit at the bottom of your stomach

I've always snickered at people reminiscing "remember when..."

Typically these 2 words were the beginning of a long recollection of high school or college events. I have no fondness for my high school or college days. I felt forced to go to both. Looked at both as merely something to get out of the way to please my government and my mother.

But when I finally graduated, I was free, finally 100% free to do what I wanted with my life. And I soared.

I adopted a 10-wk kitten, all black, he was "this close" to be euthanized at the humane society. The staff lined up and cheered as he was carried from his cage to my lap. I named him Mikhail, called him Misha, and only spoke Russian to him.

I got myself a scholarship to a dance studio on the north side of Chicago. For the first time in my life....in 13 years of desperately wanting to study dance...I was free to study dance 9am-6pm Monday-Friday. All I had to do in exchange was sweep floors, wash mirrors, and be good. And write a paper here and there on dance legends. I learned about Katherine Dunham at that studio. And how she discovered a new genre of dance while working on her PhD in Anthropology at the University of Chicago. I decided if the dancing didnt' work out, I'd get my PhD in Anthropology from the University of Chicago. Maybe discover a new genre of dance. Maybe not.

I danced all day every day. Then on the weekends I danced more in rehearsals for shows. Late night drinks with fellow dancers. Home to my wee black kitten for fetch and mousies and Russian.

I got myself an apartment-- top floor of a 3-flat-- on Sheffield just north of Belmont. How convenient... My favorite hobby was dancing until 3am at the Avalon on Belmont. Just 2 doors East of Sheffield.

Rent was $230/month. I had a closet-less room in a 2 1/2 bedroom (I had the 1/2). I was able to move myself in 3 car trips.

Oh yea, this was after I landed an apprenticeship with a world class Graham company-- Joseph Holmes Dance Chicago. I still danced all day, rehearsed all day, swept floors, pulled pubic hairs out of shower drains, took out the garbage. Lived on bananas, peanut butter, yogurt, pasta. Cheap but filling for an athlete. Dream life for a dancer forbidden to dance until she finished college.

Then an audition for one of the best dance companies in the world- and the artistic director pointing me out the entire time. And him coming up to me a week later to gush about how beautiful a dancer I am. And how the only reason he didn't hire me was he needed to get a mature redhead and I was too young at 23. I immediately dyed my hair red and started booking dance jobs left/right.

Meeting Gwen Verdon. and Twyla Tharp. Playing with Lou's dog and impressing him with my knowledge of vet medicine.

And the owner of Avalon introduced me to the owner of The Vic. So I had myself an amazing bartending job where I made oodles of cash in 5 hr shifts. 1 block from home. Partied with legends of rock. Was set up with a famous comedian. Only to learn- as he asked me to go to Glee Club with him the following night- that he's gay. oopsie!

Members of Jesus and the Mary Chain making cocktails for me backstage at their Metro Show for which they gave me all-access passes. "You served us, so now we'll serve you!" How fun to watch beautiful Ken get to flirt with Hope Sandoval. He had such an adorable crush-

Dancing in a sun costume while my dear sweet friend, Ben, told the 6th graders in that south-side school all about the solar system. Laughing at the vast difference between the response of the rich white kids vs. the poor black kids. And how the poor black kids were definitely the more enjoyable audience.

Getting smashed at Market Days...Frank Orrall getting ready to spin on the corner of Halsted and Roscoe-- but the sky breaks open rain thrashes down upon us as we defy nature and continue to dance. And Frank defies electrocution and continues to spin. And everyone is wet and everyone is sweaty and everyone is drunk and everyone is giggling. and smiling. and happy. And it gets so dangerous with the lightening striking the small DJ stage, the music has to stop. But the dancing continues. and the bars are bursting. and the crowd is laughing. and wet. and sweaty. and smiling. and Halsted Street, from Belmont up to Addison thumps thumps until 4am as we continue to dance and sweat and drink and laugh and flirt and giggle.

And I sit here today in a generic coffee shop on Montana Avenue. 6 blocks from the Pacific Ocean. 2 blocks from home. A infinite distance from the laughing the dancing the sweating the smiling the giggling the drinking the flirting the spinning the music. The happy.

The eternal nights that last until we stumble to Nookies for a 6am breakfast before going home and to bed.

The cozy Saturday nights in January all bundled up with the kitties and some movies and the radiator banging heat into my wee historic landmark studio off Lake Michigan. The 11pm call from Heather "what are you doing?! I wanna get out! Meet me at Delilah's at midnight baby" I jump in the shower, put on my favorite dance clothes and grab a taxi in front of my building. 40 degrees below zero but I dont' need a coat. The Bailey's I put in my coffee while getting ready has deadened my skin's ability to read cold. Heather's sitting on a barstool dragging another puff from her Virginia Slim Ultra Slim Menthol Light. Rolling her eyes at the yuppies making fun of her tattoos and scars and combat boots. But we sit down and drink our martini's because the owner is a friend and it's sometimes more fun to be surrounded by yuppies tearing us down vs. hipsters supporting us.

And I scour the photos on Facebook. All the black and white images from Avalon, China Club, Shelter, Metro, Smart Bar...What happened to Augenblick? Henry? He's Liz Phair's favorite bartender...maybe she knows. I miss Henry and his late night after hours and his surprise order "the owner insists you drink these shots NOW!". I miss the snow. I miss struggling and fighting and laughing trying to get to the taxi in my wornout combat boots despite the 2 inch thick layer of ice and the winds so strong they literally blow me into the intersection.

And my heart hurts missing that happiness. And the success. and the hope. and the arrogance. and the spite. and the fire. and the rebellion. The hot coffee with baileys in a basement coffee shop on Dearborn. The soap-soaked skin in a club on Halsted. The random meetings with long lost friends both of us drunk at 2am and confessing we've loved each other since we were 13.

Don't bother mentioning high school or college. I'm so glad to put those behind me and forget them. But the 8 years between college and moving to LA. Those were the most glorious. Sometimes the most painful. But overall the most beautiful. It was the sunbeams that break through after a lifetime of rain. Rainbow years. I do wish I had a time machine to go back. Just for a week. Just so I can feel happiness.

To be reminded what it is to be happy.

YOU are the change you've been waiting for

Response to Shawn to emailed me: Great job! Like Barack said--YOU made the difference!! :D

we all did :-)

I firmly believe many laws have passed and elections lost due to too many people thinking their vote or voice didn't count enough to be missed. This year millions of Americans FINALLY realized their opinion CAN make a difference and thus made bloody certain they spoke up, lined up, and voted. Honestly the hundreds of people (all sorts of people- not the usual political junkies and activist hippies) who showed up every weekend to my phone bank here in Santa Monica begging "how can I help?! Give me those phone numbers to call!" coupled with news footage of long lines waiting up to 4 hours to vote.......THAT's what made me cry in relief and pride for my country.

Can Obama make the changes he promised? who knows. Hopefully yes.

One thing he's ALREADY changed is all of us. Somehow there's something about him which inspired millions of non-voters to get to the polls this year. I spoked with a 31yr man in Las Vegas who told me this is the first time he's ever been excited to vote. I attended a 2-day training, Camp Obama, where several hundred people buzzed with the new confidence that each and every one of them (us) CAN be a leader and CAN improve our country. One person CAN make a difference- we're ALL leaders inside if we focus our passion and make the effort. This room included trust-fund waspy ivy leaguers and african-american welfare moms.

I'm crying as I type this- I'm looking forward to the future again, aren't you? :-)

URS Returns from its hiatus

So my favorite pop girl crush sensation returns to the scene of the crime - but minus Sarah Silverman's asinine comments. As she returns from hiding, we return to equally cheering her on and wondering if she'll provide more fodder for our cattiness. Either way it's something to wait for, to see live vs. Tivo, and to discuss on our blogs our facebooks our twitters as soon as she walks off the stage at Paramount this Sunday evening.

Still crying over Hillary

In case you missed it, here's the tribute video that aired at the Democratic Convention. I realized how sad I still am she won't be running our country. Barak Obama is magical, but it would have been ideal if he could have led us with her - not instead of her.

Blues at the Farmers' Market

When I find myself in times of unemployment, I make a promise to myself to do all the things I never have the time for when I'm employed. This:

a. keeps me from complete anxiety paralysis worried about how the hell I'm going to buy food and rent
b. avoids the eventual self-loathing that will happen when I'm working again and still have to muddle through the clutter in my spare room or look at the damage still on the walls from my last roommate.

It also fills the soul.

I do fail at this promise to myself, however...I know I know...shocker.

oooo the blues singer wearing the dirty White Sox cap is singing a song I loved when I was a kid - "Nobody Knows You When You're Down and Out" yes. I was a strange kid. Not many friends. Just me, my mom's long pink scarf, and the albums in my mom & sister's rooms. Barbara Streisand sings this on her "My Name is Barbara....Two" album. I used to lip-synch and dance/perform the entire album in our living room as if I were performing for my live telecast special. "Nobody Knows You...." is belted in a grovelly bluesy manner unlike the rest of the tracks...then segues back into 2nd Hand Rose in a rousing conclusion to one of the best albums EVER.

ok back to failure and the universe taking care of us despite ourselves. I spent the past 2 days locked in my apartment not accomplishing much more than self-pity and high anxiety. I stared at my computer hitting refresh on FaceBook for about 4 hours I believe. Today Time Warner Cable is having troubles so I was forced out into the world. I have to fill out my unemployment form and all my job apps are online in my email history. I had to get to the Farmers' Market to discuss my temple CSA with the farmer as he's impossible to reach via phone or email. So life (or Time Warner & Sinai Temple) forced me out for a couple hours.

The farmer didn't come down with his crew today, but I have my laptop and Santa Monica offers free Wi-Fi if you're downtown. So I sit here listening to a brilliant blues artist camped out on the promenade next to the farmers' market. Toddlers barely able to stand are wiggling and bouncing to his sliding guitar strings and emotional southern vocals. The air is lightly puffing through my hair cooling the temp from the hot sun to make this office a perfect temperature. As I focus on my self-indulgent storytelling the singer's performance is mixed with footsteps and random snippets of lunchtime conversations. Pigeons make a stop by me now and then to grab a quick bite before continuing their food search.

It's appalling Jessican Simpson and Britney Spears are millionaires while this brilliant musician is making pennies playing for pigeons. Then again they do Pop and he does Blues so it's all fitting, no?

oo! the Chabad has arrived bringing Mitvah's on Wheels and is now wrapping tefillin on the croc kiosk workers' arms.

A young dad wearing camouflage and dreadlocks helps his daughter travel the promenade without stepping on cracks.

As much as the air and sun and footsteps and birds and babies and blues are lifting my spirits, I still have responsibilities. yes, it's true. Even the unemployed slackers of this world have commitments by golly. Time to get back home to take the girls on a walk thanking them for letting me play for a couple hours.

Feel the tingle return

My body tingles

cold shaky full warm sweaty throbbing tingly

I feel again

Nic Harcourt began his show this morning with an oldy but goody from Garbage . I sat in my office thinking "hmm this is good, is it a cover or an original?" Stepping towards my little radio propped on the back of my yard-sale chair, I continued to place the music. After pressing the volume button forcing the singer's voice to fill my living room, my body began to move.

Slowly, painfully, emotionally...my body moves again. Unlike it has in years. I'm returned to my late nights/early mornings stomping alone on the dancefloor at Avalon.

The room is dark and smoky with a faint scent of spilled beer, Jack Daniels, and sass. I'm alone in a room crowded with nightcrawlers. The sex the want the pain the glee the arrogance the hate the youth the insecurity the dread the hope the lust.

It breaks through the walls of age and defeat and fills my veins again.

I'm alive again.

Daily Kabbalah Tune Up

From the Kabbalah Centre of Los Angeles

There is a joke about these two shoe salesmen who travel to a third world country in search of new business opportunities.

One man calls his wife the moment he lands, telling her, "Honey, I'm coming back home. There's no hope here. Nobody here is wearing shoes, so there's no one to sell to." He boards the next flight home.

The second man calls his wife and says, "Honey, you wouldn't believe what I found here. There is so much opportunity. No one here is wearing shoes. I can sell to the whole country!"

There's opportunity everywhere. When we have a consciousness of expecting the magic to happen, it will happen. We'll find the right people, we'll move in the right circles, we'll 'bump' into the right solutions. It all starts with that opening in the mind.

Open up today. Open wide!

Kennedy Quote

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.

-Robert F. Kennedy

Speechless

Daily Kabbalah Tune Up

From the Kabbalah Centre of Los Angeles

We all reach points in our days when we don't understand. It can be a relationship challenge, a health issue, which direction to do with our career, a difficult passage of study, a momentous business decision. We all get those 'not-knowing' moments.

The way to see with clarity is, according to Rav Ashlag, to stretch. Not physically [though a forward bend always does wonders.] But to really do something that is outside your zone of comfort, out of the norm. When we elevate above the normal course of things, the Light responds in kind.

Suddenly we understand what we are reading, suddenly we know which doctor to go to, suddenly we see what limiting belief has been sabotaging our relationships. These moments of epiphany do not come from our brains, they come from the Light.

Go above your nature today. Really stretch your tolerance or patience or compassion or belief in yourself. Do something that will build the vessel for whatever it is that's beyond you to come in.

Open letter to owner of unleashed maltese

I'm sorry I yelled at you to get your maltese on a leash as he ran straight to my 2 shar-peis one trained to kill humans, her daughter leash-aggressive-just-spent-6-of-her-1st-8-months-being-abused. I wasn't kidding when I told you they can kill your dog in one bite.

Your dog


My dog


And my other dog


You see, as you get into your black Mercedes parked in the driveway of your home on 15th north of Montana, I know you won't react nicely to seeing your little baby's guts all over the sidewalk bloody and oosing all over your vuitton bag. And I'm an unemployed artist barely making ends meet so I'd prefer to not make you angry.

I'd also prefer to not be involved in the vicious death of a maltese.

or a wealthy woman witnessing the vicious death of her maltese.

or my dog euthanized for viciously killing your maltese.

See- THERE ARE REASONS FOR LEASH LAWS. It's not a mean mean big bad bully way of controlling you and your dog. It actually has some purpose. oh say, for example, to KEEP YOUR MALTESE ALIVE. Keep him from FROM CHARGING UP TO MY TIGHTLY LEASHED-BECAUSE-SHE'S-AGGRESSIVE SHAR-PEI. or RUNNING INTO IMPATIENT MONTANA BOULEVARD DRIVERS!

Notice I have my dogs on leashes. The young leash-aggressive one has no slack and I'm keeping her close to my hip. There's a reason for this. The older one is more stable, but goodness she does get riled up when her daughter is exploding. The big one is 60 pounds. And was a guard dog for a drug house downtown before she was rehabbed. She knows better than to attack, but if the situation calls for it, she's well trained and strong. very strong.



and yet, you and I both know when your dog is mauled by a shar-pei because you let him run amock on a public street and could not restrain him from charging into my dog.... well. you'll destroy us in your grief. You'll sue me- You'll have my dogs impounded and euthanized.

and yet, you and I both know YOU were the negligent parent.

I'm sorry I yelled at you- But I'd prefer to not be a unwilling participant in a murder. Please leash little poopy pants, would you? If he's not killed by a leash-aggressive Shar-pei, he'll be run over by a car. Please.

More encouragement

Still freaking out and yet happy and calm and wondering what on earth is going on. Just realized an hour ago I'm sitting back and letting life happen to me vs. trying to be responsible and do the right thing.

Today's Tarot card is:



The Hanged Man
This card denotes the need to look at your current situation from a different perspective. The Hanged Man creates change by acting passively and accepting fate. By surrendering control and making yourself vulnerable, you will facilitate change in your life. In order to see the bigger picture, you will need to take a step back.

Panic sets in

Yesterday was a brilliant morning writing, dog walking, answering phones for kcrw, working with Chris and Tom on their shows, Gemma getting me started helping her research for her Global Gig Guide, Eric chatting Music Library with me.....all before 10am!

Came home, collapsed, met Jana for lunch- WALKED to meet her. Had a Kirin with my sushi-

Got back home- more writing, phone interview for yet another writing gig. Collapsed again.

Carved up my farmers' market bought organic, free-range, locally raised chicken for my dog's weekend meals, poured myself a nice glass of organic kosher Israeli cabernet...

On the couch drinking my wine watching Persepolis -- too tired to get pretty and on the bus to Friday Night Live...

I suddenly panicked. I still didn't regret my decision to quit- best decision I've made in years....truly outrageous and heavenly-inspired... But where will the money come? When? How am I paying for food for the dog, kitties, myself? ugh...depression sets in.....

First thing this morning I find today's horoscope waiting for me:

Today is the dawn of a new era for you. You can feel yourself shedding the last remnants of old baggage or beliefs that held you back and are eager to tackle the new challenges that await.

Me at my former job

"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away."
— Raymond Hull

Kennedy's Miracle and Today's Horoscope

"You and your friends are working together to do something cool and you feel absolutely great about the collaboration In fact, you may decide to formalize the arrangement to do more of the same in the future."

From my earliest memories, I recall wanting to save the world. Or the unprotected. The young children. The animals.

But I'm also an artist- born into a family of musicians, dancers, painters, storytellers.....it's deeply in my blood I can't deny it. It's what powers all the cells to thrust through my arteries, veins, organs...it drives me from before sunrise until long after sunset.

So the plan, since I was ohhh about 5 years old, was to become insanely wealthy as a world-famous artist. What kind flopped from actor - figure skater - rock star - poet - novelist - journalist - photographer - painter - dancer - actor.

I accomplished all the career aspirations (ok rock star only happened as far as Victor Isaac and Dean Cameron / Jessie Marion's living rooms...) but not the crazy fame and wealth.

Because the end-goal was to use my fame and money to save the children, the animals, the peace, this has been quite defeating!

So I do what I can to help but it's never anywhere near what I want. And I sit in office's witnessing heated debates on Hannah Montana's hair or font size of footnotes on market research reports. And I wonder how these people can keep a straight face making these so important when there are children starving or being beaten only miles away from us.

I just quit my job- completely insane decision on the surface, yet my gut said "do it- it's the right move"

And I immediately face 3 women who make the world move. Adriane, 6-figure corporate VP who quit to be a dog trainer, who rehabbed my shar-pei from sickly killer dog to show-dog quality couch potato. Helen, the guerilla-tactic animal rescuer, who rescued my shar-pei despite everyone around her saying the dog should be euthanized as a lost-cause. And Parke- the brilliant woman who quit her 6 figure publishing job in Manhattan to spend 2 years developing and fundraising for an animal shelter in South Carolina.

Kennedy is the center of this universe. Helen rescued Kennedy. Adriane rehabbed her. Parke stopped me during our early morning walk to chat about dogs and rescue groups.

And here I sit writing about them. And writing about the animals. And writing about the miracles. And I feel overwhelmed by the force that comes from nowhere....somewhere....everywhere. The force that has brought us together from unimaginable sources. I am not a dog person. The rescue group didn't trust a then-unknown volunteer, Adriane. The rescue group didn't believe in the killer shar pei, making Helen desperate for someone who would take her in and rehab her. Parke just moved here from the east coast and knows nobody. And yet here we are a network of amazing women who host different skills while holding the end-result in unison.

I'm so excited for the future. And learning what's coming around the corner. It will be big. Huge. And beautiful.

A day late

Today's horoscope - a day late

You may be something of a loose cannon today, so do your best to keep your wildest tendencies under control, even if just barely.

G*d bless George

Yesterday I did the most childish irresponsible act. At the same time, it was the most responsible act I've done in a long time.

I quit my job. No notice. Not even for me. There was a project that got forgotten because he didn't bother to copy me on the discussion. So I asked (after 2 years of asking and our boss agreeing with me) that he copy me on emails with project members so we BOTH know what's going on with reports. He replied with a 2 page email rant to me. Then stormed into my office and threw a stack of papers at me.

I felt beaten up as usual. Then I giggled at the absurdity. Then I asked myself why I continued to feel it could be improved. Our boss, as usual, blamed the r.a. she hates vs. seeing my co-worker's mistake. He treats me and others like crap, ridicules dept members behind their backs to entertain other dept members. And he's rewarded for it.

So I wrote my reason for leaving and calmly walked out the door.

Ok my legs shook so badly on the way down the stairs I could barely walk.

I had a meeting across the street for what was supposed to be a part-time Sunday job. I changed my clothes but had my office belongings in a large grocery bag. How could I walk into an interview with a monster financial institution carrying a grocery bag of food, nic nacks, papers?

Bewildered, depressed, defeated, shocked I stumbled to the mall concierge who advertised "check your bags while you shop!" She looked at my bag with disgust and said "only packages purchased HERE"

In my painful akward high heel shoes and fancy dress, I stumbled to Bloomingdales and asked the salesman, George, if the store's customer service checked bags. He smiled and said "just put it here in my cabinet!"

I gratefully placed it inside but it toppled over-- oatmeal and mouthwash tumbling out. Embarrassed I sighed "I just quit my job -- I wasn't planning to -- this is my office here....my office in a bag"

George's eyes lit up and he extended his hand out to help me stand up. "you just quit your job? right now? as in moments ago??"

I sighed in regret "yes, just moments ago...I'm still shaking"

He shook my hand and exclaimed "Congratulations!!! You are VERY brave!!!"

I laughed "eh, well, brave or stupid-- I'm not sure which right now"

Nodding in reassurance he offered "no, it's very brave. Great things will happen for you. This is the way"

Thank you George for boosting my non-existent confidence right before the interview that was suddenly so important. I nailed it. Now I'll make twice what I used to make and without the selfish co-worker and the blind manager.

Listen to Your Gut

From the Kaballah Centre in Los Angeles - a good one for right now especially....

Have you ever had a gut feeling that if you went to this one particular party, even though you were tired and grumpy, something good was going to happen to you? Or have you ever just known that if you walked down a certain street, something bad would happen?

This is your intuition guiding you. And your intuition is provided by the Light.

According to Kabbalah, there is a curtain separating the physical world (1% realm) from the spiritual world (99% realm.) This curtain is all that keeps us from total fulfillment.

Intuition is one means of pulling aside the curtain.

Familiarize yourself today with that feeling in your gut, with first thoughts that pop into your mind. Trust your initial instinct. With each step you take towards listening to your intuition, you will draw that curtain open further.

4th and Montana at 6am

10 squad cars
5 detective cars
1 fire engine

6am

4th street just south of Montana

being the dutiful nosy neighbour I insisted on walking Kennedy slowly past the hullabaloo on our way back from the beach

*shrug*

Anyone know what happened so early in the morning in the "safe" part of town?

Walking with Kennedy

It's 5:30am I've been up since 3am to write for work.

I'd love to write for me. But writing for work is at least a first step away from the chains I've felt there these past 2 years. 2 years of working round the clock on powerpoint slides when I took the job to pay rent easily while I focused on writing.

So the job demanded all my time which meant no time for writing.

And powerpoint 50 hours a week isn't going to get me anywhere-

I feel like I've worked myself to the nub and not gotten anywhere. In fact I feel several giant steps backward from where I was when I got the first call from this company January 2006.

So I asked to write. If they're going to demand 50 hours a week from me I need to spend those 50 hours writing vs. adjusting graphs for pennies. So now I write. Or I just began. Crossing my fingers I didn't suck so they'll increase my writing hours and decrease my powerpoint hours. Then again, I took the job so I could have a job I could work from home - and my co-worker stole that from me. So now I hunt and wait for the beautiful day I can leave him alone to deal with everything. Noone should notice I'm gone. After all-

I've done NOTHING there for 2 1/2 years (according to management).

Which brings me to Kennedy....She's sitting on the couch patiently sleeping and waiting for the biggest moment of her day. A walk. We'll walk to the land's edge, down the stairs to the sand, several hundred yards along the beach, then back up to land and home. About an hour. And this will be heaven for her.

I don't know anyone who's happy with his or her life. But Kennedy seems happy. I'm sure there are happier homes for her. But she continues to give me love. There is little about my current life which brings me joy. But Kennedy just walks in the room and my heart sings.

And all she hopes to get from me is a walk or two each day. And some food. Scratching on the back is a bonus!

In return, she gives me security. Makes sure she barks loud and threatening for each person who steps up to my home.

I owe her so much - she's changed my life. She taught me how to stand up for myself. I no longer let my co-worker abuse me. His response is, natural for abusers, to accuse me of being out of line. I know I'm not. I know he's taken advantage of my generosity for 2 years. I'm no longer willing to let him do that. He's pissed. He's blaming me for his failures and taking credit for my successes. Now forced to share the work he, not surprisingly, is hoping the new girl will take on the projects he refused to touch. The projects he forced me to do alone for 2 years. I hope she quits. I know I will as soon as I have income lined up. I accepted the abuse for 2 years but Kennedy taught me how to stand up and say "no" finally.

And in return, all she hopes for is a walk with me.

Speaking of....she's been waiting since I got up at 3 for me to walk to the door holding her leash so we can go to the beach. I better get cleaned up and dressed so I can give that to her.

(I confess watching her joy while we walk is a gift to me too)

Daily Kaballah Tune Up

From the Kaballah Centre of Los Angeles-

How often have you heard or used the word suddenly? Suddenly she broke up with me; suddenly the coach kicked me off the team; suddenly my mom moved out.

But how sudden is sudden? For instance, have you ever woken up to suddenly find a new tree in your backyard? Or to find that your hair had suddenly grown ten inches? Or that you suddenly lived in a new home? Not likely.

"Sudden" implies a sense of chaos, a sense that things happen to us, rather than the deeper truth that we happen to ourselves.

Happening to ourselves is a good thing. No one else is calling the shots. And while this introduces a whole lot of responsibility for our thoughts, words, and actions, it also allows limitless possibilities.

We have already, perhaps unwittingly, shaped our past. And we have the power to shape our present and our future as well.

As you live today, keep this thought in mind: If something happens to me, I am locked in the physical. I am reacting. But if I am happening to me, good or bad, I am connecting with the spiritual. I am being proactive.

Don't expect to understand this completely now. This idea is a huge gold mine that will continue to yield riches as you explore it.

Daily Kaballah Tune Up

From the Kaballah Centre in Los Angeles-

My father and teacher Rav Berg always taught me, "...there is only one thing that is important in this world: the Light. Nothing in this world is important in this world unless it, or they, are connected to the Light."

In the real reality, everything was created only so it could bring the Light of the Creator to the world. The truth is: to be truly important is to be connected to the Light.

Today, know that this connection comes from acts of transformation and sharing. A spark of the Light exists within all of us. We connect to and enflame it every time we place more importance on helping others than helping ourselves.

Alice

down

down

down

down

swirling

down

the

   drain

swirling

swirling

spinning

swirling

spinning down the drain

sunshine disappears into thin air

blackness grows and howls

swirling

spinning

spinning

f

 a

  l

   l

    i

     n

     g

sinking down into the drain

A Dream is a Wish your Heart makes...

...when you're feeling blue

Last night I enjoyed my first dream in MONTHS.

I've been really frustrated with my job lately. With my life.

I spent a full year temping at this job vs. leaving for permanent, higher-paying work because it was presented as/with:

• a low-key, low-stress position with plenty of flexibility in hours to allow pursuit of career goals
  
• good raises
  
• nice secluded/private office to focus on creative demands
  
• large monitor-- good equipment and software to get the job done comfortably
• opportunity to work from home
  

This was my reality:

• I spent the first 18months stuck at the office 10-14 hours a day + 8-12 hours a day on Sundays
  
• I quickly dropped my writing classes at UCLA - getting stuck at the office too many times until 10pm
  
• I quickly dropped my music pa shifts at kcrw - getting stuck at the office too many times until 10pm
  
• I neglected my geriatric cats' health, canceling over 20 vet appointments- neither of them saw a vet for 2 years.  They should have been seen every 3 months.  But they both went without med attention for 2 years.
  
• I sat at a reception desk by the front door for over 6 months with no privacy, no phone, no use of my cell phone, no access to personal email, only web access to work email-- getting scolded daily by old ladies for not "doing my job" when I failed to locate their lawyers (I do not work a law firm btw)
  
• I made my cousin and his 6yr old daughter and 7yr old son wait until 10pm to have dinner because packages needed to be reordered in a 40page report. No amount of pushing back and pleading convinced the analyst to let me leave at my quitting time of 6pm that night. And I was only a temp so- well you know- a temp can't say no.
  
• I skipped shabbos service every Friday for 2 months because Starbucks could not wait until Monday and my co-worker snuck out of the office 1/2 hour early....this despite my quitting time being 3:30pm
  
• I cancelled my birthday plans because my co-worker didn't feel like helping a senior director "make it pretty!"
  
• I was 1/2 hour late to my temple Passover seder thanks to an r.a. being too busy shopping for a handbag to give me 10min of her assistance + my co-worker refused to help get the job done "oh, it's HV.  I don't do HV, have fun"
• I worked over 40 hours OVER THE WEEKEND to get reports done, not because they were needed, but because it made life easier for my co-worker.  and I didn't even get a "thank you" email in return.  but he got 5 days of downtime at work.

and now I learn I was "this close to being fired" because I finally asked for something in return. A few days to take care of my dying cats.  Would they be dying if I'd not cancelled 2 years of appointments?

and apparently I've done nothing to earn a decent raise. I spent a full year here as a temp so actually I worked 2 years before seeing any raise. But I'm supposed to be grateful for what I got.

on the other hand I'm supposed to understand my co-worker deserves to work from home EVERY FRIDAY because after all he "only got a xx% raise" (it was more than my raise & he already earns way more than me hourly)

But yes, please do continue to give me stacks of blank pages and say "make it pretty!" "come up with something creative!"

But don't let me have the same software EVERY GRAPHICS PERSON IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE WHEN THEY START HERE.....

my co-worker is given fully drawn-out pages. I'm given blank pages.

and I do it. and the dept wins awards for the reports I created from blank pages.

but I get nothing. no raise. no share. I get "don't think your efforts go unnoticed!".

and yet they go unnoticed. over and over and over again.  I'm told at my review I just barely met expectations.

I give up.

They ask me to drop my writing, my music, my cats, my religion. They ask me to do their jobs for them. They ask me for $60 work while paying me $20 with no bonus because "well if I ever felt like actually making an effort I too could get a bonus"

This is barely meeting expectations?  They give me nothing in return and tell me I'm lucky.

I dreamt last night I worked from home. I wrote. I drew. I studied. I learned. I played amazing music. I grew.  I contributed.

I was revamping my spare bedroom into a full-scale office with high-end computer equipment, scanner, fax, wicked-fast internet. Good lighting. Good seating. I dreamt I earned a living wage so I only have to work 40hours a week to pay rent and groceries. I don't have to pay for gas because, well, I work from home. I don't have to pay for doggie day care because I work from home.

I dreamt I was appreciated and considered worthy.

My heart has barely breathed for over a year now....I'm paralyzed now....I've collapsed...and I just learned there's no air waiting for me because I "don't deserve it".

Well I disagree.

My heart will breathe -- I'm breaking the window, taking in the ocean breeze. Living again.

Dreaming again.

Chaos and lack of...

It's been a long time since I've written anything more than a quickie email or two-

It's been a busy busy year so far- but mostly my doing-

I adopted a dog in February. After being her foster parent for 2 weeks.

Me - a dog - my first dog ever really. I've lived with dogs before. Cared for one 15 years ago. But after I was deep in the sh*t with this one I realized I SHARED custody of that dog with my live-in boyfriend at the time and he pretty much cared for her. I just handled the medical/nutrition parts since I was working for the vet at the time.

So I got myself a dog 4 days after my 2nd cat died. 4 days. 4 days after spending 10 days not sleeping because I was frantically trying to save him from cancer. I got myself a dog. A rescue. A 2yr old dog who'd been abandoned in her home for however long. Abandoned while pregnant. Downtown. Raised to be a guard dog for some drug dealers. A Shar Pei. If you don't know the significance of her breed well -- this breed was developed to accompany the Chinese army in war. So I've got this dog with war instincts, raised to be a guard dog, for drug dealers, downtown, abandoned while pregnant, moving in my home 4 days after working overtime to save a dying cat.

My childhood, as chaotic and unstable as it was, apparently appeals to me on some base level.

After 4 months, Kennedy (my new dog) and I have established a nice routine. I have the coffee maker brew me some fresh poison to be ready when I get up at 5am. I groggily pour cup after cup to drink while checking email, social sites, and random celebrity gossip.

I could say Huffington Post and BBC but where's the fun in that?

I get cleaned up, dressed, and pour another cup to take with us on our walk. We walk for an hour- to the ocean, up and down the park along the water, then back home. A little bit of fetch with her little teddy bear in my living room. Then breakfast. Then she takes a nap in her crate while I go to work.

We're quite adorable together.

ok- it was insane when she first moved in. insane. she was insane for the first month. Now everything is calm.

So the rescue group who found her with her puppies last August learned one of her puppies's adopted homes is abusive. So they removed her. Since my Kennedy is so incredibly stable and very patient and nuturing with any random puppy we meet on walks and at the parks, I thought she'd be the perfect teacher for her daughter and volunteered to foster.

A 9month old. Shar Pei. chained in the back yard daily for 6 months. Abused by the husband in the home. No discipline from his abused wife. Shar Pei. Abused for 6 months. Not exercised for 6 months.

yep.

So she moved in last Thursday. It's chaos. She growls if you approach her head too fast. She wants to kill any man who comes near. She wants to kill any dog we pass on our walks. But I love her. But it's chaos. Kennedy does keep her in line. It's funny I considered Kennedy to be this little dog (47lbs really isn't that big in the dog world)--- Her daughter moved in and I was reminded that I am the guardian of a tank. She's huge. Not in poundage but in heft. She's got the neck of a pro football player. And don't misbehave young lady- she'll snap you into place toot sweet.

Kennedy, despite her mellow sweet soul, started to lose patience Monday morning. I found myself standing between 2 shar-peis ready to fight commanding them to sit, down. The I grabbed their necks and quickly rolled them on their sides/backs forcing them into submission nose to nose.

There are few things better for empowering a woman than stopping a fight between 2 grown shar-peis with nothing more than her hands and emotional strength.

But its' chaos nonetheless.

So as I drove to work, late, yesterday exhausted by 8am, I thought "how long can I handle this insane little girl?"

We all thought given how cute she is, she'd have applications after her 1st adoption day this weekend and she'd move into a permanent home next weekend. But the abuse has made her a project dog at best. Some cities would just euthanize her if she entered a shelter. So her time with me became "indefinite".

sigh

Yesterday morning I got an email from the rescue group saying someone from Cesar Millan's facility would be coming to my home last night or today to pick her up to live with him for rehab.

heavier sigh

what?!? you can't take her from me!! Her mother and I are doing great work with her! She lets me pet her and she listens to my every command. She slept with my boyfriend over the weekend. She's improved dramatically in only 4 days of being with me! I'm doing great work! you can't take her!

so the chaos is overwhelming and exhausting but when presented with some relief I protest.

Cesar's people have not come so Matt (my boyfriend) took her to his place for a sleepover as this may be his only chance for some alone time with her. He's smitten. He wants to adopt her. So last night I looked forward to some alone time with Kennedy. I thought she'd rejoice.

She moped for an hour - laid in front of the front door for an hour. She still seems a bit sad today.

The crazy little one will return this morning as Matt drops her off on his way to work. The trainer from the rescue group will come down to walk the 2 of them and reinforce training on the little one. I'll come home at 4pm to chaos.

It will be exhausting.

But apparently both Kennedy and I think it's worth it.

Bedazzled! the good one. With Peter Cook. And Dudley Moore. And Raquel Welch.

The Ultimate Reality Show

email last week - "omg heath ledger is dead!"

Exclaimed down the hall at my job "aaaack! Britney's out!"

Used to be - first thing in the morning in offices, people would debate whether or not Rachel and Ross would ever hook up. Or will Dylan and Kelly reunite? Who shot JR? Can you believe what Seinfeld got away with? I believe one mark of a show's success - to network executives - was the amount of time it was discussed and debated at the office between episodes. The Watercooler Effect?

So here it is. This is the latest in the evolution of mass entertainment. First the radio. Then tv. Then the internet. Reality tv. Tv on the internet. Tv FOR the internet. Reality tv for the internet.

Disguised as journalism.

I just spent today flipping from perezhilton, x17, and tmz. The time I used to spend lying on my couch mindlessly watching whatever bad sitcoms the networks had to offer that night. Now replaced by a strong engagement in the material being offered on my computer.

But this is entertainment offered at someone's expense.

Not some 20something looking for his 15min of fame and some cash from surviving a month of endurance tests.

Someone just trying to live her life. A very challenging life. With little to no support. A 20somthing struggling to survive several years of endurance tests. Being chased by camera crews. Every second of her struggle photographed, taped, documented both journalistically and legally.

For our entertainment.

Britney shopped around a reality show 4 years ago. She got 2. One was mocked and cancelled immediately.

The other goes on and on and on and she doesn't get paid a dime for it. In fact she pays. Her parents pay. We the taxpayers pay – for all the police and fleets of ambulances and court hearings and special hospital arrangements.

As the networks scramble to get our money via their advertisers, we instead gladly pour it all to the authorities in exchange for a real life soap opera a supercharged, ultimate gladiator survival celebrity reality show.

So I continue to refresh my browser hoping there's more updates on where Britney is. Did her dad get hold of her? Is he still successfully keeping Sam, the evil guy, away? What about her lover? Is he legit? Is he what we think he is? Or something more sinister? Perhaps he's in an evil plan with Sam the evil guy? Where's her mother? Was she drugged too by the evil guy? The ex. He's turning out to not be what we thought he was! Or is he? Is he, in fact, a good guy misunderstood? Or is he, too, plotting some underhanded selfish agenda? 2 young baby boys lost in the mayhem and drama. A pregnant 16yr old sister! The leading lady – a fragile, kind, bubbly girl who caught fame in childhood. And sex symboldom….in childhood. Talented – yet not talented in the ways that she could earn respect and awards vs. scorn and mockery. Sexy, sweet. Truly grateful to her fans. Lonely, isolated, vulnerable – a new Marilyn Monroe for our generation! And the money! Ooooooo tons of money! Beverly Hills! Mexico! NYC! Malibu! Flesh! Sex! Mental illness! Million dollar Beverly hills estates in gated communities! Malibu beach homes! Padded rooms. Mass car chases all over Hollywood and Beverly Hills and across Mulhulland Drive! A daily rotation of high-end cars, fashion, drugs! Secret meetings in Hollywood legend hotels! Who are the good guys and who are the bad guys? Music industry! Pop stars! Rehab! Blackmail.

I could be describing Dallas or Knots Landing or Dynasty….oooo I'm dating myself aren't I? I've never seen the latest round of night-time soap operas as I stopped bothering to watch tv years ago. Then again reality Tv effectively cancelled our need for night-time soaps no?

Until we got Britney. Poor Britney. The American Tragedy of Britney Spears. And all for our nighttime viewing entertainment.

Did dad get into her home? Will he be living with her now? Did he really install gps tracking systems in all her $200,000 cars? Did she escape again under a black blanket in the back seat of a paparazzi car so her father can't catch her? How long and how far will she run from her family? How many cars can squeeze from a 4 lane street into 1 lane to keep up their pursuit? Did evil Sam break into her home (which a respected news source published is "never locked")? Did he steal compromising video and photos of our tragic heroine? Was he really crushing pills into her food? Cutting off her phone lines? Disabling her cars? Or are these accusations nothing more than a plotting mother with a selfish agenda?

I'm so ashamed of my contribution to her hell yet that doesn't stop me from refreshing my browser just one. More. Time. Before bed.

What will make us stop? When does the commercial break come for Britney? What price does she have to pay to get us to stop?

I'll be online as soon as I wake up tomorrow morning eager for the latest-

Will you?