A Dream is a Wish your Heart makes...

...when you're feeling blue

Last night I enjoyed my first dream in MONTHS.

I've been really frustrated with my job lately. With my life.

I spent a full year temping at this job vs. leaving for permanent, higher-paying work because it was presented as/with:

• a low-key, low-stress position with plenty of flexibility in hours to allow pursuit of career goals
  
• good raises
  
• nice secluded/private office to focus on creative demands
  
• large monitor-- good equipment and software to get the job done comfortably
• opportunity to work from home
  

This was my reality:

• I spent the first 18months stuck at the office 10-14 hours a day + 8-12 hours a day on Sundays
  
• I quickly dropped my writing classes at UCLA - getting stuck at the office too many times until 10pm
  
• I quickly dropped my music pa shifts at kcrw - getting stuck at the office too many times until 10pm
  
• I neglected my geriatric cats' health, canceling over 20 vet appointments- neither of them saw a vet for 2 years.  They should have been seen every 3 months.  But they both went without med attention for 2 years.
  
• I sat at a reception desk by the front door for over 6 months with no privacy, no phone, no use of my cell phone, no access to personal email, only web access to work email-- getting scolded daily by old ladies for not "doing my job" when I failed to locate their lawyers (I do not work a law firm btw)
  
• I made my cousin and his 6yr old daughter and 7yr old son wait until 10pm to have dinner because packages needed to be reordered in a 40page report. No amount of pushing back and pleading convinced the analyst to let me leave at my quitting time of 6pm that night. And I was only a temp so- well you know- a temp can't say no.
  
• I skipped shabbos service every Friday for 2 months because Starbucks could not wait until Monday and my co-worker snuck out of the office 1/2 hour early....this despite my quitting time being 3:30pm
  
• I cancelled my birthday plans because my co-worker didn't feel like helping a senior director "make it pretty!"
  
• I was 1/2 hour late to my temple Passover seder thanks to an r.a. being too busy shopping for a handbag to give me 10min of her assistance + my co-worker refused to help get the job done "oh, it's HV.  I don't do HV, have fun"
• I worked over 40 hours OVER THE WEEKEND to get reports done, not because they were needed, but because it made life easier for my co-worker.  and I didn't even get a "thank you" email in return.  but he got 5 days of downtime at work.

and now I learn I was "this close to being fired" because I finally asked for something in return. A few days to take care of my dying cats.  Would they be dying if I'd not cancelled 2 years of appointments?

and apparently I've done nothing to earn a decent raise. I spent a full year here as a temp so actually I worked 2 years before seeing any raise. But I'm supposed to be grateful for what I got.

on the other hand I'm supposed to understand my co-worker deserves to work from home EVERY FRIDAY because after all he "only got a xx% raise" (it was more than my raise & he already earns way more than me hourly)

But yes, please do continue to give me stacks of blank pages and say "make it pretty!" "come up with something creative!"

But don't let me have the same software EVERY GRAPHICS PERSON IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE WHEN THEY START HERE.....

my co-worker is given fully drawn-out pages. I'm given blank pages.

and I do it. and the dept wins awards for the reports I created from blank pages.

but I get nothing. no raise. no share. I get "don't think your efforts go unnoticed!".

and yet they go unnoticed. over and over and over again.  I'm told at my review I just barely met expectations.

I give up.

They ask me to drop my writing, my music, my cats, my religion. They ask me to do their jobs for them. They ask me for $60 work while paying me $20 with no bonus because "well if I ever felt like actually making an effort I too could get a bonus"

This is barely meeting expectations?  They give me nothing in return and tell me I'm lucky.

I dreamt last night I worked from home. I wrote. I drew. I studied. I learned. I played amazing music. I grew.  I contributed.

I was revamping my spare bedroom into a full-scale office with high-end computer equipment, scanner, fax, wicked-fast internet. Good lighting. Good seating. I dreamt I earned a living wage so I only have to work 40hours a week to pay rent and groceries. I don't have to pay for gas because, well, I work from home. I don't have to pay for doggie day care because I work from home.

I dreamt I was appreciated and considered worthy.

My heart has barely breathed for over a year now....I'm paralyzed now....I've collapsed...and I just learned there's no air waiting for me because I "don't deserve it".

Well I disagree.

My heart will breathe -- I'm breaking the window, taking in the ocean breeze. Living again.

Dreaming again.