Dos Vee Donya Misha

My dearest, sweetest, coolest friend of my life, my little Misha, passed away tonight-

At least now he's climbing trees, running through massive fields, chasing rabbits, squirrels, birds.......

I love you Misha-
desperately-

I miss you so much-

Nocturne 1 in B Flat Minor Op. 9 - Chopin

I dunno who's favorite this was--

the head ballet mistress for Hubbard Street

or the pianist

But every day, our first exercise -- usually a mellow plier series -- would be accompanied by this song.

And every time I hear it, I'm immediately calmed. Brought back to that cold studio. Standing at the bar between 2 ballerinas....or maybe that 35 year old dancer who's all crickety and tired but every move she makes is stunning thanks to her age and experience.... Me drowning in layers of worn out knit hoping to keep my 98lb. body warm enough in the frigid studio until either the heater kicks in or our body heat warms up the space. (the body heat usually won)

Watching Birute's long, graceful, kirov-trained arms swim through the air guiding us through the series....her calm, wabbling voice gently waking us up... The fog on the windows blurring the train and all the cookie-cutter corporate drones miserably departing on the platform....

That was as dream life! Funny how all the stress and pressure I put on myself to be superhuman marred what is definitely the high point of my life..... I watch The Company and cry and cry and cry remembering those wonderful frigid days on 19th/Halsted and Wabash/Adams. Harriet's thick whiny NYC voice scolding us for not being more demanding of our bodies. Lou grabbing his golden retriever, Buddy, from the doorway to the studio before he could get in and be trampled by our grand sodebasques (sp?!)- Joel and his regal majesty... The Cabrini Green kids in their low-slung pants and high-top Jordans showing us tutu-butts how hip-hop is REALLY executed -- compete with sass, rebellion, and fire one can only develop growing up in one of the most dangerous blocks in the county.

sigh....

thank you Birute and Warren for giving me something to bring this all back-

Thank you Chopin.

ohh that sinking feeling...

ever have that sick feeling at the bottom of your gut? a strong throbbing at the pit of your stomach? your heart pulled in 6 directions?

anxiety of losing something really important to you?

I've been feeling that a bit this past week, but it's especially strong today as I sit alone in an office in Westwood knowing I'll be here with nothing to do and noone to talk to until 7pm.

I'm not sure why. What am I about to lose? Who am I about to lose?

My cat has been very ill since my return from Chicago 6 weeks ago...but he's 200% better today than he was 2 weeks ago. But he looks depressed and still isn't 100% where he was before my trip.

My grandmother will be 90 22September. I just bought a ticket to fly to Detroit to help her celebrate that weekend. My mother just called to say Nana now needs a nurse 24/7 as she's dizzy and confused.

My mother just spent 5 hours on the freeway trying to get to Detroit from Chicago. It took 5 hours to travel a distance normally travelled in 30 minutes-- thank you crazy midwest storms. My mother is 71 and this is her 6th driving trip to Detroit in a month.

or maybe it's something else........

I wish I was home so Fred could give me some words of wisdom....

get happy

My roommate was feeling sorry for herself the other day-

Lying on her bed, suddenly Fred jumped up to visit her.

Purring, he nudged her, then jumped off and walked out of the room

She looked down on her pillow- he had left the words

"Get Happy"

be inspired

My roommate was playing her guitar....kind of floundering around with chords.

Fred marched around her room, she had phrases cut out of magazines on the floor.

He jumped on her bed, next to her, head-butted her.

Jumped off. Left the room.

She looked down on the bed next to her and she saw he left the words-

"Be Inspired"

nice way to start the day

Just started a weekend gig in Westwood, near UCLA.

new farmers market on Sundays. I have nothing to do today (woo! big money for no work!) so after getting my morning Peet's, I linger over....

Free 1/2 hr yoga sessions for kids- watched a peaceful beautiful blonde woman teach a young girl -- maybe 5? -- how to "Namaste".

I then hung out at the petting zoo. young goats eagerly, clumsily, running from food bowl, to playmate, to more food, to mom.

a young pig sitting in a small tub of water. all alone from the hubbub of social activity in the rest of the area. he finally gets out of the tub only to still be alone...pushing one of the chairs around with his snout.

3 toddlers -- giggling -- grabbing young bunnies from the giant cedar-filled tub in the center. Sitting down and petting the bunnies-- giggling and giving love to the young animals.

The goats wandering around the kids.

Everyone is innocent. Everyone is basic. Everyone is happy.

Nice way to start the day-

just a cat...

have a 17 1/2 year old cat--- his name is Mikhail-- I call him Misha-- This photo was taken about a year ago when I was wrapping my sister's birthday gift and he surprised me by attacking the ribbon and jumping on the table to continue attacking the package.

that was a year ago....

this morning I had to shove his bowl of food to his face while he sat under my roommate's bed.

It's been about a month since I returned from my trip home to find him skinny and very sick. He apparently is no longer anemic and has gained a pound since my return (yay!)

But after a month of progress, he stopped eating a day ago and has now planted himself under my roommmate's bed and I can't get to him right now as it's 5:30am and of course my roommate is trying to sleep-

If you've got any spare time to think about a sweet cat who's not feeling well. And his owner who just wants the best for him, regardless of what that might be (is it time? I don't think so, but am I one of those pet owners who keeps a cat alive well beyond the reasonable time for him? I'm starting to wonder...)

.....oh my gosh! he just walked in, jumped on my bed and is drinking!

whew


maybe I'm overreacting. it's so difficult to guage.....overreacting? underreacting?


he's been with me over 17 years and I'm such a bloody workaholic I've spent most of those years running from one job to another leaving him home......and I hate myself for this. And now I want to stay home with him and I can't. I've pushed my boss's patience enough working from home those 4 days last month and coming in late so many mornings due to Misha not eating or me having trouble with his IV treatment or....or....something anything.

And I sit at work angry that, if he was human, my employer would gush with sympathy urging me to take all the time I need. She would gladly help me arrange to work from home (there really is no reason why I can't work from home given my job is graphic design-ish.). But since he's a cat, and few people respect life forms other than human, people just roll their eyes and snicker that I'm so worried. One person said, "wouldn't you just euthanize him vs. spending all that money? I mean, he's just a cat"




Just a cat.




Just a cat who's been my best friend for 17 years. That's more than any man has every stuck with me.



Second best is my father and he only stuck around 5 years.

So Misha's a pretty big deal in my world.


if you're reading this and you can spare a min or 2 for him- please think some good thoughts for him-

thanks for reading-