Walking with Kennedy

It's 5:30am I've been up since 3am to write for work.

I'd love to write for me. But writing for work is at least a first step away from the chains I've felt there these past 2 years. 2 years of working round the clock on powerpoint slides when I took the job to pay rent easily while I focused on writing.

So the job demanded all my time which meant no time for writing.

And powerpoint 50 hours a week isn't going to get me anywhere-

I feel like I've worked myself to the nub and not gotten anywhere. In fact I feel several giant steps backward from where I was when I got the first call from this company January 2006.

So I asked to write. If they're going to demand 50 hours a week from me I need to spend those 50 hours writing vs. adjusting graphs for pennies. So now I write. Or I just began. Crossing my fingers I didn't suck so they'll increase my writing hours and decrease my powerpoint hours. Then again, I took the job so I could have a job I could work from home - and my co-worker stole that from me. So now I hunt and wait for the beautiful day I can leave him alone to deal with everything. Noone should notice I'm gone. After all-

I've done NOTHING there for 2 1/2 years (according to management).

Which brings me to Kennedy....She's sitting on the couch patiently sleeping and waiting for the biggest moment of her day. A walk. We'll walk to the land's edge, down the stairs to the sand, several hundred yards along the beach, then back up to land and home. About an hour. And this will be heaven for her.

I don't know anyone who's happy with his or her life. But Kennedy seems happy. I'm sure there are happier homes for her. But she continues to give me love. There is little about my current life which brings me joy. But Kennedy just walks in the room and my heart sings.

And all she hopes to get from me is a walk or two each day. And some food. Scratching on the back is a bonus!

In return, she gives me security. Makes sure she barks loud and threatening for each person who steps up to my home.

I owe her so much - she's changed my life. She taught me how to stand up for myself. I no longer let my co-worker abuse me. His response is, natural for abusers, to accuse me of being out of line. I know I'm not. I know he's taken advantage of my generosity for 2 years. I'm no longer willing to let him do that. He's pissed. He's blaming me for his failures and taking credit for my successes. Now forced to share the work he, not surprisingly, is hoping the new girl will take on the projects he refused to touch. The projects he forced me to do alone for 2 years. I hope she quits. I know I will as soon as I have income lined up. I accepted the abuse for 2 years but Kennedy taught me how to stand up and say "no" finally.

And in return, all she hopes for is a walk with me.

Speaking of....she's been waiting since I got up at 3 for me to walk to the door holding her leash so we can go to the beach. I better get cleaned up and dressed so I can give that to her.

(I confess watching her joy while we walk is a gift to me too)

Daily Kaballah Tune Up

From the Kaballah Centre of Los Angeles-

How often have you heard or used the word suddenly? Suddenly she broke up with me; suddenly the coach kicked me off the team; suddenly my mom moved out.

But how sudden is sudden? For instance, have you ever woken up to suddenly find a new tree in your backyard? Or to find that your hair had suddenly grown ten inches? Or that you suddenly lived in a new home? Not likely.

"Sudden" implies a sense of chaos, a sense that things happen to us, rather than the deeper truth that we happen to ourselves.

Happening to ourselves is a good thing. No one else is calling the shots. And while this introduces a whole lot of responsibility for our thoughts, words, and actions, it also allows limitless possibilities.

We have already, perhaps unwittingly, shaped our past. And we have the power to shape our present and our future as well.

As you live today, keep this thought in mind: If something happens to me, I am locked in the physical. I am reacting. But if I am happening to me, good or bad, I am connecting with the spiritual. I am being proactive.

Don't expect to understand this completely now. This idea is a huge gold mine that will continue to yield riches as you explore it.

Daily Kaballah Tune Up

From the Kaballah Centre in Los Angeles-

My father and teacher Rav Berg always taught me, "...there is only one thing that is important in this world: the Light. Nothing in this world is important in this world unless it, or they, are connected to the Light."

In the real reality, everything was created only so it could bring the Light of the Creator to the world. The truth is: to be truly important is to be connected to the Light.

Today, know that this connection comes from acts of transformation and sharing. A spark of the Light exists within all of us. We connect to and enflame it every time we place more importance on helping others than helping ourselves.

Alice

down

down

down

down

swirling

down

the

   drain

swirling

swirling

spinning

swirling

spinning down the drain

sunshine disappears into thin air

blackness grows and howls

swirling

spinning

spinning

f

 a

  l

   l

    i

     n

     g

sinking down into the drain

A Dream is a Wish your Heart makes...

...when you're feeling blue

Last night I enjoyed my first dream in MONTHS.

I've been really frustrated with my job lately. With my life.

I spent a full year temping at this job vs. leaving for permanent, higher-paying work because it was presented as/with:

• a low-key, low-stress position with plenty of flexibility in hours to allow pursuit of career goals
  
• good raises
  
• nice secluded/private office to focus on creative demands
  
• large monitor-- good equipment and software to get the job done comfortably
• opportunity to work from home
  

This was my reality:

• I spent the first 18months stuck at the office 10-14 hours a day + 8-12 hours a day on Sundays
  
• I quickly dropped my writing classes at UCLA - getting stuck at the office too many times until 10pm
  
• I quickly dropped my music pa shifts at kcrw - getting stuck at the office too many times until 10pm
  
• I neglected my geriatric cats' health, canceling over 20 vet appointments- neither of them saw a vet for 2 years.  They should have been seen every 3 months.  But they both went without med attention for 2 years.
  
• I sat at a reception desk by the front door for over 6 months with no privacy, no phone, no use of my cell phone, no access to personal email, only web access to work email-- getting scolded daily by old ladies for not "doing my job" when I failed to locate their lawyers (I do not work a law firm btw)
  
• I made my cousin and his 6yr old daughter and 7yr old son wait until 10pm to have dinner because packages needed to be reordered in a 40page report. No amount of pushing back and pleading convinced the analyst to let me leave at my quitting time of 6pm that night. And I was only a temp so- well you know- a temp can't say no.
  
• I skipped shabbos service every Friday for 2 months because Starbucks could not wait until Monday and my co-worker snuck out of the office 1/2 hour early....this despite my quitting time being 3:30pm
  
• I cancelled my birthday plans because my co-worker didn't feel like helping a senior director "make it pretty!"
  
• I was 1/2 hour late to my temple Passover seder thanks to an r.a. being too busy shopping for a handbag to give me 10min of her assistance + my co-worker refused to help get the job done "oh, it's HV.  I don't do HV, have fun"
• I worked over 40 hours OVER THE WEEKEND to get reports done, not because they were needed, but because it made life easier for my co-worker.  and I didn't even get a "thank you" email in return.  but he got 5 days of downtime at work.

and now I learn I was "this close to being fired" because I finally asked for something in return. A few days to take care of my dying cats.  Would they be dying if I'd not cancelled 2 years of appointments?

and apparently I've done nothing to earn a decent raise. I spent a full year here as a temp so actually I worked 2 years before seeing any raise. But I'm supposed to be grateful for what I got.

on the other hand I'm supposed to understand my co-worker deserves to work from home EVERY FRIDAY because after all he "only got a xx% raise" (it was more than my raise & he already earns way more than me hourly)

But yes, please do continue to give me stacks of blank pages and say "make it pretty!" "come up with something creative!"

But don't let me have the same software EVERY GRAPHICS PERSON IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE WHEN THEY START HERE.....

my co-worker is given fully drawn-out pages. I'm given blank pages.

and I do it. and the dept wins awards for the reports I created from blank pages.

but I get nothing. no raise. no share. I get "don't think your efforts go unnoticed!".

and yet they go unnoticed. over and over and over again.  I'm told at my review I just barely met expectations.

I give up.

They ask me to drop my writing, my music, my cats, my religion. They ask me to do their jobs for them. They ask me for $60 work while paying me $20 with no bonus because "well if I ever felt like actually making an effort I too could get a bonus"

This is barely meeting expectations?  They give me nothing in return and tell me I'm lucky.

I dreamt last night I worked from home. I wrote. I drew. I studied. I learned. I played amazing music. I grew.  I contributed.

I was revamping my spare bedroom into a full-scale office with high-end computer equipment, scanner, fax, wicked-fast internet. Good lighting. Good seating. I dreamt I earned a living wage so I only have to work 40hours a week to pay rent and groceries. I don't have to pay for gas because, well, I work from home. I don't have to pay for doggie day care because I work from home.

I dreamt I was appreciated and considered worthy.

My heart has barely breathed for over a year now....I'm paralyzed now....I've collapsed...and I just learned there's no air waiting for me because I "don't deserve it".

Well I disagree.

My heart will breathe -- I'm breaking the window, taking in the ocean breeze. Living again.

Dreaming again.

Chaos and lack of...

It's been a long time since I've written anything more than a quickie email or two-

It's been a busy busy year so far- but mostly my doing-

I adopted a dog in February. After being her foster parent for 2 weeks.

Me - a dog - my first dog ever really. I've lived with dogs before. Cared for one 15 years ago. But after I was deep in the sh*t with this one I realized I SHARED custody of that dog with my live-in boyfriend at the time and he pretty much cared for her. I just handled the medical/nutrition parts since I was working for the vet at the time.

So I got myself a dog 4 days after my 2nd cat died. 4 days. 4 days after spending 10 days not sleeping because I was frantically trying to save him from cancer. I got myself a dog. A rescue. A 2yr old dog who'd been abandoned in her home for however long. Abandoned while pregnant. Downtown. Raised to be a guard dog for some drug dealers. A Shar Pei. If you don't know the significance of her breed well -- this breed was developed to accompany the Chinese army in war. So I've got this dog with war instincts, raised to be a guard dog, for drug dealers, downtown, abandoned while pregnant, moving in my home 4 days after working overtime to save a dying cat.

My childhood, as chaotic and unstable as it was, apparently appeals to me on some base level.

After 4 months, Kennedy (my new dog) and I have established a nice routine. I have the coffee maker brew me some fresh poison to be ready when I get up at 5am. I groggily pour cup after cup to drink while checking email, social sites, and random celebrity gossip.

I could say Huffington Post and BBC but where's the fun in that?

I get cleaned up, dressed, and pour another cup to take with us on our walk. We walk for an hour- to the ocean, up and down the park along the water, then back home. A little bit of fetch with her little teddy bear in my living room. Then breakfast. Then she takes a nap in her crate while I go to work.

We're quite adorable together.

ok- it was insane when she first moved in. insane. she was insane for the first month. Now everything is calm.

So the rescue group who found her with her puppies last August learned one of her puppies's adopted homes is abusive. So they removed her. Since my Kennedy is so incredibly stable and very patient and nuturing with any random puppy we meet on walks and at the parks, I thought she'd be the perfect teacher for her daughter and volunteered to foster.

A 9month old. Shar Pei. chained in the back yard daily for 6 months. Abused by the husband in the home. No discipline from his abused wife. Shar Pei. Abused for 6 months. Not exercised for 6 months.

yep.

So she moved in last Thursday. It's chaos. She growls if you approach her head too fast. She wants to kill any man who comes near. She wants to kill any dog we pass on our walks. But I love her. But it's chaos. Kennedy does keep her in line. It's funny I considered Kennedy to be this little dog (47lbs really isn't that big in the dog world)--- Her daughter moved in and I was reminded that I am the guardian of a tank. She's huge. Not in poundage but in heft. She's got the neck of a pro football player. And don't misbehave young lady- she'll snap you into place toot sweet.

Kennedy, despite her mellow sweet soul, started to lose patience Monday morning. I found myself standing between 2 shar-peis ready to fight commanding them to sit, down. The I grabbed their necks and quickly rolled them on their sides/backs forcing them into submission nose to nose.

There are few things better for empowering a woman than stopping a fight between 2 grown shar-peis with nothing more than her hands and emotional strength.

But its' chaos nonetheless.

So as I drove to work, late, yesterday exhausted by 8am, I thought "how long can I handle this insane little girl?"

We all thought given how cute she is, she'd have applications after her 1st adoption day this weekend and she'd move into a permanent home next weekend. But the abuse has made her a project dog at best. Some cities would just euthanize her if she entered a shelter. So her time with me became "indefinite".

sigh

Yesterday morning I got an email from the rescue group saying someone from Cesar Millan's facility would be coming to my home last night or today to pick her up to live with him for rehab.

heavier sigh

what?!? you can't take her from me!! Her mother and I are doing great work with her! She lets me pet her and she listens to my every command. She slept with my boyfriend over the weekend. She's improved dramatically in only 4 days of being with me! I'm doing great work! you can't take her!

so the chaos is overwhelming and exhausting but when presented with some relief I protest.

Cesar's people have not come so Matt (my boyfriend) took her to his place for a sleepover as this may be his only chance for some alone time with her. He's smitten. He wants to adopt her. So last night I looked forward to some alone time with Kennedy. I thought she'd rejoice.

She moped for an hour - laid in front of the front door for an hour. She still seems a bit sad today.

The crazy little one will return this morning as Matt drops her off on his way to work. The trainer from the rescue group will come down to walk the 2 of them and reinforce training on the little one. I'll come home at 4pm to chaos.

It will be exhausting.

But apparently both Kennedy and I think it's worth it.

Bedazzled! the good one. With Peter Cook. And Dudley Moore. And Raquel Welch.